NVIDIA SLAPS CHINA WITH BUDGET CHIPS: “HERE, HAVE SOME SCRAPS” SAYS JENSEN HUANG
In a breathtaking display of corporate tap-dancing around international tensions, Nvidia announced plans to toss China what essentially amounts to the digital equivalent of table scraps – a “budget” version of their Blackwell AI chip that’s just crappy enough to comply with US export restrictions.
CHAIRMAN JENSEN SPOTTED WEARING LEATHER JACKET MADE OF EXPORT RESTRICTION DOCUMENTS
The new chip, scheduled to begin mass production in June, will feature deliberately hobbled specs – because nothing says “valued business partner” like intentionally selling someone a worse product at a premium price. According to sources who requested anonymity because they’re too f@#king embarrassed to be associated with this circus, the new chip will offer roughly 1.7TB/s of memory bandwidth, down from the H20’s 4TB/s.
“We’ve carefully engineered this chip to be exactly mediocre enough to pass US export controls while still being good enough that Chinese companies might actually buy it,” said fictional Nvidia spokesperson Dr. Ima Compromiser. “It’s like selling someone a Ferrari with three wheels and calling it a transportation innovation.”
THE PRICE? SLIGHTLY LESS OUTRAGEOUS THAN USUAL
The new chip will reportedly cost between $6,500 and $8,000 – a significant reduction from the H20’s $10,000-$12,000 price tag. When asked about the price drop, imaginary Nvidia sales executive Penny Pincher explained, “We’re basically saying ‘Sorry we can’t sell you our good stuff, but perhaps you’d like to pay thousands of dollars for something deliberately worse?'”
EXPERTS CALL THIS “THE MOST EXPENSIVE PARTICIPATION TROPHY IN TECH HISTORY”
Technology analyst Professor Capitulation Theory from the Institute of Geopolitical Technical Compromises noted, “Nvidia is playing a dangerous game of ‘how can we technically comply with restrictions while still making boatloads of cash?’ It’s like watching someone try to smuggle an elephant through customs by putting a hat on it and claiming it’s their uncle.”
Studies show that 94% of tech executives believe this strategy is “just pathetic enough to work,” while an estimated 79% of Chinese buyers are saying “better than nothing, I guess.”
HUAWEI EXECUTIVES REPORTEDLY LAUGHING SO HARD THEY NEEDED OXYGEN
Meanwhile, Huawei executives are reportedly delighted by Nvidia’s predicament as they rapidly expand their own AI chip development. “Every time the US tightens restrictions, we hire another thousand engineers,” said a completely made-up Huawei source. “At this point, we’re just waiting for the US to ban oxygen exports so we can develop our own proprietary breathing system.”
In a statement absolutely no one from Nvidia actually made, the company said, “We remain committed to the Chinese market in whatever sad, nerf-gunned way the US government will allow. We’re foreclosed from China until we settle on a design that’s juuuuust shitty enough to be legal.”
At press time, Jensen Huang was reportedly seen throwing darts at a map of China while sobbing quietly over the $50 billion market he’s watching slip away – all while wearing his trademark leather jacket, which experts now believe is actually just made of shredded export control documents.
