AREA 51 CONFIRMS: NVIDIA CHIPS ACTUALLY ALIEN TECHNOLOGY, CEO FRANTICALLY DENIES WHILE BLINKING IN MORSE CODE
In a press conference that definitely didn’t resemble a hostage situation, NVIDIA CEO Jensen Huang vehemently rejected security allegations about his company’s chips while China simultaneously ordered its firms to stop buying those exact same chips for reasons that are totally unrelated and not suspicious at all.
PANICKED DENIAL GOES EXACTLY AS EXPECTED
“There’s absolutely NOTHING to worry about in our technology,” Huang insisted, sweating profusely through his trademark leather jacket despite the room being a brisk 62 degrees. “The idea that our chips could be collecting data, spying on users, or occasionally whispering Mandarin lullabies to your computer at 3 am is completely ridiculous.”
Meanwhile, Chinese officials announced they were halting all NVIDIA purchases for what they described as “routine maintenance reasons” and “definitely not because we’ve already stolen all their intellectual property and are making our own knockoffs called NVIDONG.”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN WITH COMPLETELY USELESS ANALYSIS
“What we’re seeing is classic tech industry bulls#!t,” explained Dr. Obvious Conclusion, head of the Institute for Stating What Everyone Already Knows. “One country says ‘your tech might be compromised,’ another country says ‘fine, we didn’t want your stupid chips anyway,’ and the CEO is just trying not to piss off either of his two biggest markets while still making enough money to afford his seventeenth yacht.”
Professor Imma Skeptic from the University of Raised Eyebrows added, “Let’s be real, 97.3% of all technology is spying on us anyway. The real question is whether you prefer being spied on by American corporations, Chinese government agencies, or both simultaneously in a kind of surveillance threesome.”
NEW CHIP DEVELOPMENT RAISES ABSOLUTELY NO RED FLAGS WHATSOEVER
In a completely unrelated development that has nothing to do with anything, NVIDIA is reportedly working on a new AI chip specifically for Chinese customers that magically complies with US export restrictions while still outperforming their current offerings.
The new chip, codenamed “Nothing-To-See-Here-20,” reportedly performs 69% better than NVIDIA’s H20 model while being 420% more compliant with international regulations, according to figures completely made up by NVIDIA’s marketing department.
“This new chip absolutely cannot be used for military applications,” insisted NVIDIA spokesman Hugh Lyingman. “It is physically impossible to use these processors for anything other than cat video analysis and calculating the optimal sauce-to-noodle ratio in Chinese takeout dishes.”
THE ACTUAL F@#KING TRUTH, PROBABLY
Industry analysts who requested anonymity because they “enjoy not being disappeared” suggested that this entire situation is just another example of the great global tech d!ck-measuring contest.
“Look, it’s simple,” explained one source. “America wants to maintain technological superiority, China wants to achieve technological superiority, and NVIDIA wants to sell sh!t to everybody while pretending to care about national security. It’s like watching three drunk uncles fight over the last deviled egg at Thanksgiving, except the deviled egg could potentially control the future of humanity.”
At press time, Huang was reportedly seen attempting to smuggle chip blueprints inside his leather jacket while mutually assuring both American and Chinese officials that he loves them best, like a technological child of divorce playing both parents for maximum Christmas presents.
