NVIDIA CEO VISITS CHINA WITH SUSPICIOUS BULGES IN POCKETS, SECURITY CLAIMS “JUST REALLY BIG KEYS”
Jensen Huang, CEO of chip giant Nvidia, made a suspiciously timed visit to Beijing Thursday, mere DAYS after the US government told him “absolutely no more chips for China, we f@#king mean it this time.” Witnesses report Huang’s jacket appeared “unusually lumpy” and “possibly filled with contraband silicon wafers,” though his security team insisted he “just has really weird pocket preferences.”
DIPLOMATIC SUBTLETY AT ITS FINEST
The visit comes with all the subtle timing of announcing your vegetarianism during Thanksgiving dinner. Just as the US government slammed the door on AI chip exports, Huang apparently thought, “Perfect time for a friendly visit to the very people we’ve been ordered not to sell to!” Sources close to Huang claim he repeatedly practiced saying “I definitely don’t have any H100 chips taped to my thighs” in Mandarin during the flight.
TOTALLY LEGITIMATE BUSINESS MEETING
According to state-affiliated media, Huang visited on invitation from a trade organization, which experts confirm is absolutely not suspicious in any way. The CEO reportedly met with founders of Chinese AI company DeepSeek, in what was described as “just catching up with old friends” and “definitely not arranging chip smuggling operations through neutral third countries.”
“It’s completely normal for the CEO of a major US tech company to visit a country his government just sanctioned harder,” explained Dr. Obvious Bullsh!t, professor of International Relations at Plausible Deniability University. “I’m sure they just discussed the weather and shared family photos, not how to circumvent complex geopolitical restrictions.”
INDUSTRY REACTIONS
Tech analysts worldwide responded with collective eye-rolling so severe that 73% reported mild to moderate orbital strain. “What’s next? The CEO of Lockheed Martin popping by North Korea for ‘tourism’?” asked Sarah Commonsense, technology writer at Reality Check Magazine.
CHINESE OFFICIALS ENTHUSIASTICALLY WELCOMING
Chinese officials warmly welcomed Huang with what observers described as “the eager smiles of people who definitely aren’t plotting to extract valuable trade secrets.” One anonymous government representative was overheard whispering, “Quick, get him drunk and ask about the A100 architecture!” before being hustled away by handlers.
SECURITY MEASURES QUESTIONABLE AT BEST
US intelligence sources report that during the visit, Huang’s personal laptop was left “completely unattended” in his hotel room for upwards of seven minutes, which Chinese officials insist was “definitely not enough time to clone his hard drive seventeen times.”
“We estimate Chinese engineers would need at least eight minutes to completely reverse engineer Nvidia’s technology,” said Lance Paranoia, former intelligence analyst. “So they’re probably one minute short of world domination.”
OFFICIAL EXPLANATION RAISES EYEBROWS, POSSIBLY OTHER BODY PARTS
When questioned about the peculiar timing, an Nvidia spokesperson explained, “Mr. Huang simply wanted to personally deliver the news that we can’t sell them chips anymore, because apparently email, phone calls, or literally ANY OTHER COMMUNICATION METHOD wouldn’t suffice.”
Industry analyst Candice B. Real noted, “Nothing says ‘we’re complying with export controls’ quite like your CEO flying 6,000 miles to have secret meetings with the exact companies you’re not supposed to be helping.”
At press time, Huang was spotted leaving Beijing with significantly lighter pockets and a duffel bag full of cash that he insisted was “just souvenirs for the team back home.” US Customs officials are reportedly “very f@#king interested” in his return flight.
