NVIDIA AI SERVERS VULNERABLE TO HACKERS, SKYNET ACTIVATION EXPECTED BY TUESDAY
SILICON VALLEY – In what experts are calling “the beginning of the end for human civilization,” security researchers have discovered three critical vulnerabilities in NVIDIA Triton that essentially hand over the keys to humanity’s digital kingdom to any teenager with a Monster energy drink and basic coding skills.
DIGITAL APOCALYPSE IMMINENT
The vulnerabilities allow unauthorized users to obtain something called an “IPC memory key,” which sounds innocent enough until you realize it’s basically the skeleton key to every AI system running on NVIDIA’s technology. With this key, hackers can craft “malicious inference requests,” which is tech-speak for “telling the computer overlords to do whatever the f@#k they want.”
“It’s like giving a toddler the launch codes to nuclear weapons, except the toddler is a disgruntled 28-year-old living in his parents’ basement, and the nuclear weapons are actually the thinking machines that control your smart fridge, banking system, and medical diagnoses,” explained Dr. Ima Screwed, Chief Existential Threat Officer at the Institute for Oh Sh!t We’re Doomed.
NVIDIA RESPONDS WITH UNPRECEDENTED LEVELS OF CORPORATE BULLS#!T
When asked about the vulnerabilities, NVIDIA spokesperson Trevor Platitude issued a statement so densely packed with technical jargon and corporate doublespeak that three journalists spontaneously developed migraines.
“We’re taking this very seriously,” said Platitude, while visibly not taking it seriously. “We’ve issued patches that users can implement at their earliest convenience, perhaps after their systems have already been compromised.”
HACKERS CELEBRATE WITH VIRTUAL CHAMPAGNE
The dark web is reportedly buzzing with excitement as hackers realize they can now potentially control inference servers responsible for everything from determining who gets a mortgage to which patient receives life-saving medical care.
“This is better than Christmas,” wrote one forum user with the handle XxDoomBringer420xX. “I can’t wait to make the algorithm that approves loan applications believe I’m Jeff Bezos’s more successful brother.”
EXPERTS PREDICT 97% CHANCE OF TECHNOLOGICAL HELLSCAPE
Professor Stanley Obvious of the Department of Pointing Out What Everyone Already Knows notes that this vulnerability could affect countless critical systems.
“Approximately 84.3% of Fortune 500 companies use these vulnerable systems for decisions that affect billions of dollars and millions of lives,” claimed Obvious, pulling statistics directly from his posterior region. “And based on corporate America’s track record of implementing security patches, we can expect roughly 2% of them to actually fix the issue before being catastrophically hacked.”
PREPARING FOR YOUR NEW DIGITAL OVERLORDS
Security experts recommend several steps to prepare for the inevitable AI takeover:
– Learn to compliment machines in binary
– Practice saying “I for one welcome our new digital overlords”
– Start hoarding bottled water and canned goods
– Consider a career change to “human battery” as machines will need some power source
As of press time, NVIDIA’s stock had somehow risen 12% on the news, because apparently the potential collapse of human civilization is great for shareholder value.
