TECH GODS DISCOVER NEW WAY TO MELT POLAR ICE: NVIDIA UNVEILS “AI FACTORIES” THAT CONSUME ONLY THE ENERGY OF SMALL NATIONS
NVIDIA, not content with merely melting gamers’ wallets, announced plans to consume the entire electrical grid with what they’re affectionately calling “AI factories,” gigawatt-scale data centers that experts describe as “basically thermal weapons pointed at what’s left of the Arctic.”
WHAT THE HELL IS AN “AI FACTORY” ANYWAY?
According to NVIDIA executives speaking from atop their thrones made of graphics cards, an AI factory is essentially a building where billions of dollars of computing equipment work tirelessly to determine whether that Facebook photo contains a cat or a small furry hat. Only now they’re doing it at a scale that requires its own power plant.
“We’re talking about facilities that consume the same energy as 750,000 homes,” explained Dr. Killowatt Burnington, NVIDIA’s Chief Electricity Consumption Officer. “But don’t worry, it’s all worth it so ChatGPT can write slightly better dad jokes.”
MEASURING SUCCESS IN F@#KING GIGAWATTS NOW
Remember when the tech industry measured progress in megahertz? Those were adorable times. NVIDIA now casually drops “gigawatt-scale” in conversation like they’re discussing weekend plans rather than energy consumption that would make Doc Brown sh!t his pants.
“A gigawatt is nothing,” said industry analyst Dick Wattsucker. “I won’t be impressed until they’re consuming a terawatt and causing rolling blackouts across three continents simultaneously. That’s when you know your AI is really learning.”
EXPERTS WARN OF POTENTIAL SIDE EFFECTS
Professor Cassandra Truefacts from the Institute of Obvious Consequences warns that the new AI factories may have minor drawbacks, such as “turning entire river systems into warm bath water” and “requiring the construction of 17 new power plants that will definitely be totally green and not coal-fired at all, pinky swear.”
According to made-up statistics from our research department, each AI factory will:
– Increase global temperatures by approximately 11.7 degrees
– Consume the same electricity as Portugal, but with fewer vacation days
– Require enough cooling liquid to drain the Great Lakes by 2027
– Create 6 jobs (all for people named Chad)
NVIDIA PROMISES SUSTAINABLE APOCALYPSE
When asked about the environmental impact, NVIDIA spokesperson Gretta Greenwasher assured reporters that the company is “committed to sustainability” while standing in front of a presentation showing plans to harness the volcanic power of active supervolcanoes.
“These AI factories will be 0.0003% more efficient than previous models,” Greenwasher explained. “Plus, we’re planting a tree for every 45 million kilowatt-hours consumed. Earth saved!”
WHAT’S ACTUALLY INSIDE THESE ELECTRICITY DUNGEONS?
The factories will house millions of specialized chips working around the clock to perform critical tasks like generating fake celebrity nudes, creating slightly different versions of existing Hollywood movies, and occasionally, if there’s processing power left over, maybe something useful like climate modeling.
“The future is here,” declared Chief Technology Bullsh!tter Terry Teraflop. “And it requires its own nuclear reactor!”
CONCLUSION: THIS IS FINE
As NVIDIA continues its quest to ensure that no electron goes unused in our power grid, average citizens can rest easy knowing their inability to pay skyrocketing electricity bills is a small price to pay for progress. Besides, who needs air conditioning when the runaway greenhouse effect from powering these facilities will make Earth comfortably warm year-round?
As one data center engineer was overheard saying before being tackled by security, “We’re basically building a giant middle finger to the Paris Climate Agreement, but with really cool blinking lights.”
