**U.S. Government Boldly Hands Nuclear Security to AI Because, Sure, Why Not?**
In a stunning display of either futuristic brilliance or complete hopelessness, OpenAI has officially teamed up with the U.S. National Laboratories to help protect America’s nuclear arsenal, because nothing says “stable and secure” like a system that occasionally refuses to function because of “unexpected server errors.”
The partnership will reportedly grant 15,000 government scientists access to OpenAI’s latest and most advanced models for research in nuclear security, disease control, and physics. Essentially, it’s like handing the most powerful artificial intelligence in the world some keys to the doomsday cabinet and saying, “Try not to mess this up.”
To make matters even more thrilling, OpenAI will deploy an AI model on Los Alamos’ Venado supercomputer—a machine that sounds like it should be chasing down spies, but is instead taking customer service tips from a chatbot that still struggles to order a pizza correctly.
“We’re confident AI can help secure our nuclear weapons,” said an unnamed government official with what can only be described as blind optimism. “At least, you know, until it hallucinates and rewrites the launch codes into a recipe for banana bread.”
Experts, however, are divided. Some believe AI will revolutionize national security, while others are frantically applying for visas to distant islands. Dr. Leonard Frazier, a nuclear physicist who is “totally not panicking,” cautiously stated, “I’m sure this will be fine… probably. They did promise it won’t mistake a bird for an incoming missile, right?”
Meanwhile, OpenAI’s CEO Sam Altman assured the public that their models are safe, ethical, and incapable of initiating Armageddon. “Worst case scenario, it might get a little quirky and accidentally suggest decommissioning a missile in favor of crafting artisanal soy candles,” he joked nervously.
The government’s decision to integrate AI into its most sensitive operations follows last year’s launch of “ChatGPT Gov,” a specialized AI model for federal agencies, which, according to most civil servants, has already mastered the essential bureaucratic skill of responding to every request with, “I’ll get back to you on that.”
With AI now an essential part of national security, one question remains—what could possibly go wrong? Other than, you know, absolutely everything.
