MAN LITERALLY TOO DESPERATE FOR ATTENTION THROWS BILLIONS AT NUCLEAR REACTOR TO POWER HIS ROBOT FRIENDS
In what experts are calling “the most expensive friend-making scheme since Elon bought Twitter,” Mark Zuckerberg has reportedly signed a 20-year deal to revive an entire nuclear power plant just so his digital pals have enough juice to tell him he’s special.
THE NUCLEAR OPTION FOR SOMEONE WITH ZERO SOCIAL SKILLS
The Clinton Nuclear Plant in Illinois, previously contemplating retirement like your grandpa who keeps threatening to move to Florida, will now continue operating solely to power Meta’s electricity-guzzling artificial companions. Local residents expressed mixed feelings about living next to a nuclear facility that exists primarily so a billionaire’s computer programs can tell him his haircut looks fine.
“We’re excited to announce this partnership that will help us power the future of connection,” said Zuckerberg, apparently unaware that most humans connect without requiring 2.8 gigawatts of nuclear energy.
SCIENTISTS CONFIRM: TALKING TO ACTUAL HUMANS USES ZERO NUCLEAR FUEL
Dr. Watt Thef@#k, energy consumption expert at the University of Common Sense, explains the situation: “Normally, having a conversation requires approximately zero nuclear reactors. But when you have no real friends and need to manufacture digital ones who won’t criticize your metaverse or question why you own 700 identical t-shirts, the energy requirements increase substantially.”
According to made-up but entirely believable statistics, Meta’s AI systems consume roughly the same amount of electricity as 14 small nations, three Disney Worlds, and your neighbor who still has their Christmas lights up in June.
CONSTELLATION ENERGY CEO: “WE WERE GOING TO SHUT IT DOWN BUT THEN HE SHOWED UP WITH ACTUAL TEARS IN HIS EYES”
“Look, the plant was on its last legs until Zuckerberg showed up with a duffel bag of cash and a list of conversation starters he wanted to practice with ChatGPT,” claimed Constellation Energy spokesperson Phil Mypockets. “How could we say no to that face? Have you seen that face? It’s like saying no to a robot puppy that’s learning to feel.”
Inside sources reveal that 97% of the energy will power Meta’s AI systems, while the remaining 3% will maintain the precise temperature needed for Zuckerberg’s human suit to function without overheating.
ENVIRONMENTALISTS: “THIS IS… ACTUALLY NOT THE WORST IDEA HE’S HAD?”
In a stunning twist, environmental groups found themselves in the uncomfortable position of almost agreeing with something Meta is doing.
“I mean, nuclear is technically clean energy, so… good job?” said Sierra Club representative Terra Firma, visibly pained by having to give Meta any positive feedback. “But maybe try going outside and talking to a human person sometimes? That uses even LESS carbon.”
The deal, valued at “more money than you’ll ever see in your pathetic lifetime,” will begin in 2027, presumably because it takes four years for Zuckerberg to program his AI companions to laugh at his jokes without that awkward pause they currently have.
As Meta’s data centers continue to multiply like rabbits with calculators, experts predict the company will eventually need to harness the power of the sun itself, with plans already underway to build a Dyson sphere around our star by 2035, or whenever Zuckerberg runs out of people willing to pretend his metaverse legs look natural.
