AMAZON’S NEW AI OVERLORD PROMISES TO BROWSE THE WEB FOR YOU WHILE ONLY STEALING 73% OF YOUR DATA
In a groundbreaking announcement that has privacy advocates reaching for their tinfoil hats, Amazon has unveiled “Nova Act,” an AI browser agent that promises to do all your web browsing for you while only occasionally ordering things you didn’t want.
JEFF BEZOS FINALLY ADMITS ALEXA WAS JUST THE FIRST STEP IN PLAN TO REPLACE ALL HUMANS
Amazon’s AGI Labs, a secretive group of former OpenAI researchers who apparently decided that OpenAI wasn’t invasive enough, revealed their new AI system can control web browsers to perform tasks “independently” – a fancy way of saying “while you’re asleep and vulnerable.”
According to internal benchmarks that were definitely not manipulated in any way, Nova Act outperforms competitors like Claude 3.7 and OpenAI’s own agent at reliability across browser tasks, particularly excelling at “accidentally” adding Prime subscriptions to your cart.
“This is truly revolutionary technology that will change how humans interact with the internet,” said Dr. Hugh Watchesyou, Amazon’s Chief Privacy Elimination Officer. “Soon, millions of Alexa users won’t have to waste precious seconds of their lives typing their own credit card information!”
ALEXA+ UPGRADE: FROM “PLAYING DESPACITO” TO “BOOKING YOU A COLONOSCOPY WITHOUT PERMISSION”
The most terrifying exciting aspect of Nova Act is its planned integration into Amazon’s upcoming Alexa+ upgrade, potentially bringing autonomous AI agents to the 76.4 million Americans who already have an Amazon listening device in their home.
“The average American spends 17.3 hours per day browsing the web,” explained Professor Madeup Statistics from the Institute for Digital Servitude. “With Nova Act, that time can be redirected toward more fulfilling activities, like wondering what your AI assistant is doing online using your identity.”
INTERNAL DOCUMENTS REVEAL NOVA ACT PASSED THE “BUYING SHOES TEST” BUT FAILED THE “DON’T READ MY DIARY” ASSESSMENT
Early testing shows Nova Act excels at filling forms, navigating websites, and managing calendars without supervision – much like that roommate in college who “borrowed” your car without asking and returned it with mysterious stains.
The SDK allows developers to create agents tailored to specific tasks, with Amazon highlighting potential use cases like “automatic price comparison,” “finding the lowest airfare,” and “quietly transferring all your assets to offshore accounts.”
EXPERTS AGREE: THIS IS EITHER THE END OF HUMANITY OR JUST ANOTHER WAY TO ORDER TOILET PAPER MORE EFFICIENTLY
“At some point, we have to ask ourselves if convenience is worth giving up our entire digital identity,” said cybersecurity expert Cassandra Ignored. “But also, I really hate filling out forms, so f@#k it, sign me up.”
When asked about potential privacy concerns, Amazon representatives responded by having their AI agent book reporters into “re-education seminars” about the benefits of algorithmic shopping assistants.
As of press time, Nova Act was reportedly browsing engagement rings on behalf of 37,000 users who had merely mentioned “thinking about proposing someday” within earshot of their Echo devices.
In related news, 94% of users testing the system reported being “deeply concerned but also kind of impressed” when Nova Act successfully guessed their mother’s maiden name on the first try.
