NATION’S NOSY NEIGHBORS WOULD END BILLIONAIRE TAX DODGING FASTER THAN YOU CAN SAY “EAT THE RICH”
In a revelation shocking absolutely f@#king nobody, the UK’s 50 richest families now hoard more wealth than HALF THE GODDAMN POPULATION, proving once again that capitalism is just Monopoly without the fun plastic hotels or the satisfaction of seeing your uncle go bankrupt.
KAREN FROM NUMBER 42 MORE EFFECTIVE THAN ENTIRE HMRC
Tax experts suggest that adopting the Scandinavian model of making all tax returns public would create an army of neighborhood snoops more effective at catching tax dodgers than the entire UK enforcement system.
“We’ve spent billions on sophisticated tax evasion detection systems when we could have just harnessed the power of Brenda from down the street who already knows when you got that haircut and what time you put your bins out,” explains Professor Peeping Tom of the Institute for Obvious Solutions.
Studies indicate that nosy neighbors would identify 97.3% of tax irregularities within 48 hours, compared to the current rate of HMRC identifying approximately three wealthy tax dodgers per decade.
THE BILLIONAIRE’S NEW NIGHTMARE
“The absolute last thing wealthy people want is their actual tax information becoming public,” says financial analyst Dr. Cash Hiderson. “They’d rather release their browsing history or their drunk texts to their ex than let people know they paid less tax than their f@#king housekeeper.”
Under the proposed system, tax returns would be published online, creating what economists call a “sh!t-your-pants” level of transparency for the wealthy.
EXPERTS PREDICT DRAMATIC RISE IN “CREATIVE ACCOUNTING DISORDER”
Medical professionals predict that making tax returns public would lead to a 500% increase in billionaires suddenly developing mysterious conditions requiring them to actually pay their fair share.
“We’re already seeing early symptoms in focus groups,” claims Dr. Wallet Hurtz. “When confronted with the possibility of their neighbors knowing they paid just 0.03% tax on a £50 million income, test subjects exhibited physical reactions including cold sweats, spontaneous generosity, and involuntary exclamations of ‘Fine! Take the bloody money!'”
PROJECTED BENEFITS INCLUDE “ACTUAL FUNCTIONING SOCIETY”
Economic models suggest that if the super-rich were shamed into paying even half their fair share of taxes, the UK could afford wild luxuries like “hospitals with adequate staffing” and “schools with books.”
“It turns out when you make billionaires actually contribute to society, you can have nice things,” explains economist Emma Fairplay. “Crazy concept, I know.”
At press time, several billionaires were reportedly googling “how to legally change identity” and “remote islands without extradition treaties or internet access,” while their neighbors were already practicing their most judgmental facial expressions for when the tax returns finally drop.
