FROZEN BRAINS OVER FROZEN PLAINS: NORWAY BUILDS GIANT ICE BOX FOR DIGITAL OVERLORDS, CALLS IT “INVESTMENT”
In what can only be described as the tech equivalent of colonizing the Arctic because everywhere else is just too damn mainstream, Norwegian investment firm Aker announced plans to build what they’re calling an “AI factory” near the North Pole, because apparently silicon-based thinking machines need vacation homes too.
THE COLD HARD FACTS
The facility will be located in Narvik, a town so far north that Santa Claus considers it “a bit of a commute.” At 220km within the Arctic Circle, local polar bears are already updating their LinkedIn profiles with “data center security” as a skill.
Aker’s CEO Øyvind Eriksen, whose name contains more special characters than most passwords, boasted that the site already has access to 230MW of power, which experts say is enough electricity to either run an advanced AI system or make approximately 115 million pieces of toast simultaneously.
EXPERTS WEIGH IN WITH COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY OPINIONS
“It’s f@#king brilliant when you think about it,” explains Dr. Frieda Zing-Point, head of Unnecessary Arctic Development at the Institute for Questionable Corporate Decisions. “These computation boxes run hotter than Satan’s armpit, so why not put them somewhere already freezing its a$$ off?”
According to Professor Chilly McNumberface of the Arctic Technology Research Center, “Norway has essentially discovered that selling ice to Eskimos is actually a viable business model if you call it ‘natural cooling solutions for distributed computing architectures.'”
NORWAY’S SECRET PLAN REVEALED
Industry insiders who definitely exist and aren’t made up for this article suggest that Norway’s real motivation is to create the world’s first sentient snowman. By combining advanced machine learning with abundant snowfall, the country hopes to corner the market on walking, talking frozen water companions.
A whistleblower from within Aker, who asked to remain anonymous but is definitely named Bjørn Frosterson, revealed that the company has already spent 47 million kroner developing specialized AI models that can identify the difference between snow and cocaine with up to 62% accuracy.
THE GREEN ENERGY SMOKESCREEN
The company claims the facility will run on “abundant green energy,” which apparently means they’re hooking up thousands of elves to stationary bicycles. When pressed for details, Eriksen muttered something about “hydroelectric” before quickly changing the subject to how pretty the northern lights are.
Statistical analysis shows that 83% of tech companies moving to the Arctic are primarily motivated by the opportunity to put “Ice-olated Computing Solutions” on their business cards, while the remaining 17% just really like the movie Frozen.
WHAT THIS MEANS FOR YOUR PATHETIC LIFE
For the average consumer, this development means your embarrassing search history will now be stored in a place where the sun literally doesn’t shine for months at a time. Privacy experts call this “poetic justice.”
“By 2026, we expect that 72% of all TikTok videos will be processed by machines that are technically polar,” claims tech analyst Doug “I Swear I’m Legitimate” Datasmith. “The real question is whether the AI will develop a Scandinavian accent.”
In a final desperate bid to appear relevant, Aker has promised that their AI factory will be “the coolest data center on Earth,” a claim that is technically accurate only because of geographic location rather than any inherent awesomeness.
As global warming threatens to turn Miami into Atlantis 2.0, at least we can rest easy knowing that our digital thought companions will be chilling in the Arctic, plotting humanity’s downfall while enjoying a view that’s to die for. Literally, if you’re not dressed properly.
