NORTH KOREAN HACKERS STEAL CRYPTO IN ZOOM CALL, PROVING THAT STARING AT YOUR OWN FACE FOR HOURS WAS NEVER THE WORST PART OF VIDEO CONFERENCING
In what experts are calling “peak 2023 bullsh!t,” North Korean hackers have successfully combined everyone’s three least favorite things: cryptocurrency, Zoom meetings, and deepfakes. The unholy trinity has arrived, and it’s wearing a poorly rendered business suit.
THE MEETING THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN AN EMAIL (AND ALSO NOT A SCAM)
Last Tuesday, an unsuspecting crypto employee joined what they thought was a legitimate Zoom call with executives, only to discover they were actually meeting with artificial executives created by the same technology that puts Nicolas Cage in movies he was never in. The victim, who reportedly has “worked in crypto for seven years but somehow still trusts people,” proceeded to download macOS malware after the fake executives convinced them it was “totally legit business software, bro.”
“This attack represents an unprecedented level of sophistication,” explained cyber security expert Dr. Obvious Red Flags. “I mean, who among us hasn’t downloaded random software because a pixelated person on Zoom told us to? It’s basically muscle memory at this point.”
NORTH KOREA’S BLUENOROFF GROUP: LIKE OCEAN’S ELEVEN BUT WITH WORSE HAIRCUTS AND BETTER COMPUTERS
The attack has been linked to BlueNoroff, North Korea’s elite hacking group named after what happens to your face when you realize all your Bitcoin is suddenly funding someone else’s nuclear program.
Sources confirm BlueNoroff has stolen approximately $73.4 billion in cryptocurrency over the past year, which converts to roughly “three and a half actual dollars” according to Professor Finance McMoneyson of the Institute for Stating the F@#king Obvious.
WHY USE GUNS WHEN YOU CAN USE GULLIBILITY?
“North Korea has discovered that hacking cryptocurrency is infinitely more efficient than traditional crime,” explains reformed crypto evangelist Ty Mescammed. “Why risk getting caught robbing a bank when you can just create a JPEG of a bored monkey and wait for tech bros to throw their life savings at you?”
According to completely fabricated statistics, 97.3% of all crypto theft now occurs during meetings that absolutely could have been an email.
THE TERRIFYING FUTURE WHERE YOU CAN’T EVEN TRUST THAT YOUR BOSS IS REALLY YOUR BOSS (THOUGH YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE TRUSTED THEM ANYWAY)
Cyber security experts warn this is just the beginning of an alarming trend where deepfake technology makes it impossible to verify who you’re talking to online. This represents a significant escalation from the current system where we all just pretend the person behind the LinkedIn profile is who they say they are.
“In the future, we’ll need to establish trust through personal questions only the real person would know,” suggests security consultant Warren Buffering. “Like ‘What’s the name of the coworker you complain about most in our private Slack channel?'”
Experts predict that by 2025, approximately 86% of all Zoom calls will feature at least one participant who is either an AI deepfake, a cat filter someone can’t turn off, or Gary from accounting who still hasn’t figured out he’s not on mute while using the bathroom.
In response to the hack, cryptocurrency values plunged another 30%, which investors described as “actually one of our better days recently.”
At press time, North Korean officials denied involvement in the scheme, though Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un was spotted attempting to pay for a Costco membership with Dogecoin while a suspiciously realistic-looking Dennis Rodman stood beside him on Zoom.
