**Nicolas Cage Heroically Saves Hollywood From AI, Demands More Insane Monologues Instead**
In a bold and selfless act of service to humanity, Nicolas Cage has officially declared war on artificial intelligence in the film industry, insisting that no machine could ever replicate the sheer, unhinged magic of his signature on-screen freak-outs.
Speaking at the Saturn Awards, an event dedicated to celebrating the finest in science fiction, fantasy, and horror, the actor took a moment from basking in his well-deserved glory to issue a dire warning about what he called “the new AI world,” citing deep concerns that Hollywood might one day replace his volcanic, bug-eyed performances with soulless, algorithmically generated alternatives.
“We can’t let that happen,” Cage implored, visibly distressed. “How could a machine possibly capture the essence of a man who once screamed the alphabet while breaking office equipment or declared himself a vampire after biting a woman’s neck for no good reason? It’s just not possible.”
Experts agree that AI-generated performances currently lack the ability to match Cage’s one-of-a-kind delivery, characterized by sudden, explosive outbursts followed by strangely poignant whispers. “The technology just isn’t there yet,” said Dr. Leonard Withers, a professor of Cinematic Madness Studies. “And even if it was, ask yourself this—do we really want a world where Nicolas Cage isn’t the one playing literally every role he’s ever offered?”
Still, some in Hollywood appear less worried. Director Steven Spielberg was reportedly overheard mumbling, “Wait, this was his breaking point? Not all the straight-to-video movies?” Meanwhile, AI engineers, likely sweating profusely, have yet to attempt the gargantuan task of synthesizing Cage’s ability to switch from charmingly eccentric uncle to feral maniac in a single scene.
But for Cage, the fight is about more than preserving his legacy; it’s about the soul of cinema itself. “Film is about raw humanity,” he continued, eyes gleaming with passion. “It’s about emotion, improvisation, and the ability to scream ‘NOT THE BEES!’ with absolute conviction. And I refuse to let a f#&$%ng algorithm take that away.”
At press time, Cage was seen staring intensely at a toaster, reportedly suspicious that it was attempting to steal his essence.
