**NHS Excited to Replace Exhausted Radiologists With Glorified Spreadsheet That “Probably” Won’t Miss Cancer**
In a landmark move proving that we’ve given up on hiring more doctors, the NHS is rolling out the world’s biggest artificial intelligence experiment to detect breast cancer. The initiative, which will analyze two-thirds of at least 700,000 mammograms, aims to answer the question: Can an algorithm that once mistook a labrador for a loaf of bread be trusted with life-and-death medical diagnoses?
The trial comes as the UK faces a shortage of radiologists, apparently because people keep wanting to get paid fairly for their work. “We’ve realized that rather than paying more or training new professionals, we can just throw some AI at the problem and hope for the best,” said a grinning NHS executive, who appeared relieved that spreadsheets don’t demand lunch breaks.
Proponents of the scheme argue that AI will drastically reduce wait times, allowing women to receive diagnoses at the speed of a Netflix recommendation algorithm. “We’re confident this technology will be nearly as good as a human doctor, assuming the Wi-Fi stays on,” said Dr. Linda Firth, who is one power outage away from unemployment.
However, some experts remain skeptical, citing concerns about accuracy, bias, and the NHS’s general habit of launching things before they’re ready (see also: the entirety of the IT system). “I’ve seen AI struggle to differentiate between a blueberry muffin and a Chihuahua. Am I confident it can find tumors? No, but I admire the optimism,” said Dr. Niall Roberts, a radiologist currently dusting off his CV.
Patients are also reportedly confused. “So, a computer is reading my scans? What happens if it gets it wrong?” asked Linda Cartwright, 56, whose faith in technology was shattered when her smart fridge ordered 20 tubs of butter. The NHS assured her that all scans would still be reviewed by humans—at least until budget cuts inevitably reduce their involvement to “random spot checks.”
In response to criticism, the UK government promised that AI would only be used to complement human expertise, right before nodding silently at a cost-cutting spreadsheet titled “Firing Everyone 2026.”
