NHS TO HARVEST BABY DNA, PROMISES “DEFINITELY NOT CLONING AN ARMY” SAYS OFFICIAL
In what critics are calling “dystopian as f@#k,” the NHS plans to swab every English baby’s mouth like they’re auditioning for Britain’s Got Genetic Material, collecting DNA from 100% of newborns within the next decade.
WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?
The Department of Health and Social Care announced with a straight face that this massive DNA collection effort will “revolutionise prevention” and provide an “early warning signal for disease,” which sounds suspiciously like something a villain says right before revealing their underground lair filled with test-tube babies.
“We’re absolutely not creating designer babies or selling your child’s genetic blueprint to the highest bidder,” insisted NHS spokesperson Dr. Definitely Nottlying, while frantically hiding a price list under some papers. “This is purely for health reasons and definitely not so we can identify which babies will grow up to become Conservative voters.”
CONSENT? NEVER HEARD OF HER
Parents apparently won’t need to worry their pretty little heads about informed consent, since the NHS has thoughtfully decided that your baby’s genetic code is basically public property. After all, 97.3% of parents are too sleep-deprived to read the fine print anyway.
“We learned during COVID that people will literally let us swab any orifice if we scare them enough,” explained bioethics expert Professor Moral Compromise. “And babies can’t say no, which is a fantastic loophole we’re absolutely exploiting.”
CORPORATIONS DEFINITELY NOT SALIVATING
Following the NHS’s stellar track record of protecting patient data, which includes accidentally sharing it with Facebook and leaving it on USB sticks in pub toilets, corporations are absolutely not excited about getting their hands on the genetic information of an entire generation.
“We pinky promise not to sell your baby’s DNA to insurance companies who might deny them coverage for pre-existing conditions they don’t even know they have yet,” said unnamed government official while crossing fingers behind back and winking at representatives from three pharmaceutical giants.
THE FINE PRINT NOBODY READS
According to the initiative’s 742-page terms and conditions document written in 4-point font, potential uses for your baby’s genetic material include:
– Disease prevention (probably)
– Creating targeted advertising based on genetic predispositions (definitely)
– Determining which children should be tracked into STEM programs versus arts education by age 3
– Building a clone army should Brexit negotiations completely collapse
EXPERTS WEIGH IN WITH ABSOLUTELY NO SARCASM
“This is fine! Everything is fine!” screamed Dr. Frantic Reassurance while sweat poured down his face during the press conference. “Just like how everyone was totally fine when their PCR test DNA got sold during the pandemic without consent!”
When asked about privacy concerns, AI ethics consultant Professor Algorithm Oopsie noted, “Look, your baby’s genetic code is unique to them in the entire universe, contains their most intimate biological secrets, and could potentially be used against them in countless ways we haven’t even thought of yet. But free healthcare screening though!”
In related news, the government plans to replace all baby monitors with “totally normal” surveillance devices that will “only listen when the baby is crying” and “definitely not record everything you say about the government.”
The NHS reminds parents that resistance is both futile and will result in being placed on a special list labeled “problematic parents who probably don’t even believe in vaccines.”
