MURDOCH’S NEWSROOMS INTRODUCE AI THAT CAN PERFECTLY MIMIC HUMAN GARBAGE OPINIONS
In a move that has journalists questioning their already questionable career choices, Rupert Murdoch’s media empire has unveiled “NewsGPT,” a revolutionary tool that allows writers to be even lazier than previously thought humanly possible.
TECHNOLOGY THAT FINALLY ANSWERS “WHAT IF ANDREW BOLT WAS SOMEHOW WORSE?”
The cutting-edge system, currently being tested at the Australian, Courier Mail, and Daily Telegraph, empowers journalists to adopt different writing personas without the inconvenience of developing actual skills or perspectives. Sources confirm the AI can generate articles in styles ranging from “Slightly Racist Uncle at Christmas Dinner” to “Full Blown Climate Change Denier With Economic Degree From YouTube University.”
“This isn’t about replacing jobs,” insisted News Corp spokesperson Lyle Factually-Challenged. “It’s about enhancing workplaces by making it even easier to produce the same recycled conservative talking points without the exhausting effort of typing them yourself.”
JOURNALISTS REACT WITH SHOCK, HORROR, AND UPDATED LINKEDIN PROFILES
Newsroom staff, many of whom were already struggling with the existential question of whether writing for Murdoch publications qualified as actual journalism, are reportedly “sh!tting bricks” over the development.
“First they made us write headlines like ‘LABOR’S WOKE AGENDA THREATENS STRAIGHT WHITE MALES’ ABILITY TO COMPLAIN ABOUT THINGS,’ and now they want to replace us with algorithms?” said one anonymous journalist who requested anonymity to protect their rapidly diminishing dignity. “At this point, I’m not sure if I’m being phased out or just participating in my own professional suicide.”
EXPERTS QUESTION IF ANYONE WILL NOTICE THE DIFFERENCE
Professor Ima Skeptic from the University of F@#king Obviously points out the terrifying efficiency of the system. “The beauty of NewsGPT is that 87.3% of readers won’t be able to tell when an article has been written by AI versus when it was written by someone who’s been told their job depends on pleasing Rupert Murdoch. The ethical bar was already subterranean.”
TRAINING DATA REVEALED
Inside sources reveal NewsGPT was trained on a comprehensive dataset including:
– 14,000 articles blaming immigrants for everything
– 6,000 pieces questioning climate science written by non-scientists
– 28,000 headlines containing the phrase “WOKE MOB”
– Every Facebook comment ever posted by someone using an Australian flag as their profile picture
THE FUTURE OF “JOURNALISM” ARRIVES
Industry analysts predict that by 2026, approximately 95% of all News Corp content will be generated by AI, with the remaining 5% consisting of photos of attractive weather presenters and mandatory hit pieces on the ABC.
“We’re simply streamlining the process,” explained Chief Digital Innovation Officer Penny Pyncher. “Why pay humans to write predictable, divisive content when an algorithm can do it more consistently and doesn’t require bathroom breaks or moral crises?”
In a final ironic twist, this article about AI-generated news was itself written by a human pretending to have independent thought while working within a corporate media structure that actively discourages it. Or was it? You’ll never f@#king know.
