HUMANITY COLLECTIVELY DECIDES “F@#K THAT NOISE” AS NEWS AVOIDANCE REACHES EPIDEMIC LEVELS
In a shocking development that absolutely nobody saw coming except literally everyone, British citizens are increasingly telling news organizations to kindly go screw themselves, according to a startling new poll that confirms what we’ve all been thinking for years.
DESPERATE JOURNALISTS DISCOVER AUDIENCES DON’T ENJOY FEELING LIKE GARBAGE
The groundbreaking study by Opinium reveals that fewer than half of UK adults (47%) regularly watch television news, with even more dismal numbers for radio news (29%) and news websites (26%), leading industry experts to the revolutionary conclusion that perhaps people don’t enjoy starting their day by learning how thoroughly screwed we all are.
“We’re completely baffled why audiences don’t want to consume an endless parade of war, climate disaster, political corruption, and economic collapse while eating their morning toast,” said Janet Newsington, Chief Content Officer at a major outlet that shall remain nameless because they’d probably sue us. “It’s almost like they don’t appreciate our efforts to make them feel perpetually anxious and hopeless.”
THE SOLUTION? TINY BOXES AND SHORT WORDS, APPARENTLY
In response to this crisis, newsrooms worldwide are implementing revolutionary strategies such as “ethics boxes,” story summaries, and bite-sized explainers, which experts predict will solve everything because clearly the problem is the FORMAT of the soul-crushing content, not the content itself.
“Our research shows that people will absolutely consume horrifying news if we just put it in a colorful box with a cute icon,” explained Dr. Hope L. Delusion, Director of Audience Retention at the Institute for Obvious Conclusions. “It’s not that they’re tired of feeling like the world is a flaming dumpster fire; they just want that dumpster fire explained in under 50 words with an infographic.”
SURVEY ALSO REVEALS WATER IS WET, SKY OCCASIONALLY BLUE
According to the same poll, a staggering 94% of respondents said they would rather “do literally anything else” than listen to another segment about political infighting, with 87% indicating they would “prefer to stick their head in a toilet” than hear additional analysis about economic forecasts.
“I’ve found that staring at my wall for three hours provides roughly the same informational value as most news programs, but with significantly less existential dread,” said Birmingham resident Emma Taylor, 34, one of the study’s participants.
THE ALTERNATIVE NEWS ECOSYSTEM: CAT VIDEOS AND COOKING TUTORIALS
Meanwhile, content featuring puppies doing cute things, step-by-step recipes for pasta dishes, and videos of people falling down has seen consumption rates skyrocket by 418%, according to numbers we just made up but feel emotionally accurate.
Media analyst Trevor Bullsh!tter explained: “Traditional news outlets are finally realizing they’re competing with content that doesn’t make people want to jump off a bridge. It’s a tough market when your product’s main side effect is the overwhelming desire to move to a remote cabin in the woods and never speak to another human being again.”
NEWS ORGANIZATIONS STILL DETERMINED TO SHOVE INFORMATION DOWN YOUR THROAT
Despite the poll’s findings, industry leaders remain committed to their mission of forcing important information into the brains of reluctant citizens.
“Look, we get it. Nobody wants to hear about the impending collapse of democracy or how we’re all going to be underwater in 30 years,” said Victor Grimfacts, Editor-in-Chief at The Daily Despair. “But dammit, we’re journalists! If we don’t make you feel terrible about everything, who will?”
At press time, 72% of readers had already stopped reading this article to check their Instagram feeds instead, proving once and for all that humanity has collectively decided ignorance isn’t just bliss, it’s the preferred lifestyle choice of an entire generation.
