TECH GIANT’S NEW AI WRITES STORIES SO WELL IT MADE CEO ALMOST FEEL AN EMOTION
In a stunning announcement that has creative writing professors reaching for both their résumés and liquor cabinets, OpenAI revealed it has created an AI model that can actually string words together in a way that doesn’t make readers want to gouge their eyes out.
SILICON VALLEY REINVENTS WRITING, FORGETS TO CHECK IF ALREADY EXISTED
CEO Sam Altman, a man whose emotional range typically rivals that of a desktop calculator, claimed he was “really struck” by the model’s output, marking the first time since 2007 that Altman has experienced anything resembling human sentiment.
“I felt something when I read its stories,” Altman reportedly whispered while staring vacantly into the middle distance. “It was like… water… coming from my eyes? Our engineers are investigating this malfunction in my facial region.”
COPYRIGHTS? MORE LIKE COPY-WRONGS ACCORDING TO TECH OVERLORDS
The unnamed model, temporarily codenamed “Literally-F@#king-Shakespeare,” arrives as tech companies and creative industries engage in what experts call a “no-holds-barred cage match” over who actually owns the written word.
“This is completely unprecedented technology,” claimed Dr. Obvious Bullsh!t, OpenAI’s Chief Hyperbole Officer. “Except for, you know, human writers, who have been doing this exact thing since the invention of written language.”
WRITERS RESPOND BY LEARNING TO CODE, DRINKING HEAVILY
The literary community has responded with typical grace and composure, by which we mean complete f@#king panic. A survey of 500 novelists found that 97% are now learning JavaScript while the remaining 3% have barricaded themselves in cabins with typewriters and enough whiskey to kill a small horse.
“Sure, AI can write a passable short story,” said renowned author Emma Wordsmith, “but can it spend six years on a novel only to have it rejected by 47 publishers before drinking itself into oblivion? I don’t think so. That’s the AUTHENTIC creative experience.”
MODEL REMAINS UNRELEASED, PRESUMABLY UNTIL IT LEARNS TO STEAL MORE EFFICIENTLY
OpenAI has not released the model publicly, stating they’re still “fine-tuning its ability to seamlessly plagiarize human writers without leaving fingerprints.” When pressed on copyright concerns, Altman reportedly mumbled something about “fair use” before diving through a nearby window.
Industry analyst Professor Cash Grabber of the Institute for Inevitable Technological Dominance notes, “The real innovation here isn’t the writing ability; it’s convincing people that remixing millions of human-created works without compensation or credit is somehow revolutionary rather than, you know, theft.”
In a statement seemingly designed to comfort absolutely no one, OpenAI promised the technology would “complement rather than replace human writers,” a claim with all the reassuring quality of a serial killer promising they’re “just here to watch you sleep.”
At press time, the AI model was reportedly working on its first novel, tentatively titled “All Your Words Are Belong To Us,” while simultaneously applying for a teaching position at the Iowa Writers’ Workshop.
