NETFLIX ADMITS TO SECRETLY REPLACING ACTORS WITH DIGITAL ABOMINATIONS, VIEWERS TOO ADDICTED TO NOTICE
In a move that has human performers everywhere updating their LinkedIn profiles to “future Uber driver,” Netflix revealed it has unleashed generative AI in its new Argentinian sci-fi series “El Eternauta,” marking the first time the streaming giant has officially replaced actual talent with what industry insiders are calling “pixel puppets on algorithmic strings.”
HUMANITY’S LAST STAND DEPICTED BY ENTITIES THAT WILL CAUSE HUMANITY’S LAST STAND
The irony of using artificial intelligence to create a science fiction series about an alien invasion wasn’t lost on literally anyone except Netflix executives, who praised the technology as an opportunity “to help creators make films and series better, not just cheaper,” a statement that caused professional actors worldwide to simultaneously choke on their ramen noodles.
Netflix co-CEO Ted Sarandos, speaking from what witnesses described as “a throne made of canceled show scripts,” enthusiastically promoted the cost-cutting measure disguised as an artistic choice. “This is revolutionary,” Sarandos gushed while a team of programmers frantically worked to make his facial expressions appear more human. “Now we can fire even MORE people while charging subscribers EVEN MORE money!”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN ON DIGITAL DOOMSDAY
Dr. Payne Checkenbones, Professor of Existential Employment Threats at Hollywood Community College, didn’t mince words: “Oh, we’re absolutely f@#ked. This is like watching dinosaurs applaud the approaching asteroid because it’ll make pretty lights in the sky.”
Industry analyst Ima Goner pointed out that 87.2% of Netflix subscribers are too numb from binge-watching to notice or care if their entertainment is made by humans or digital homunculi. “Most viewers can’t tell the difference between AI-generated content and the eighth season of a show that should’ve ended after four,” she explained. “Besides, 93.4% of those statistics are made up anyway.”
UNIONS RESPOND WITH STRONGLY WORDED LETTERS, WHICH AI PROMPTLY REWRITES
The Screen Actors Guild released a statement expressing “profound concern,” which was immediately improved by an AI text generator to include better adjectives and fewer demands for fair compensation.
“We’re not against technology,” said SAG-AFTRA president Justina Jobless, “we just think it’s somewhat problematic when our members are replaced by digital phantasms that don’t require lunch breaks, healthcare, or the will to live.”
VIEWERS UNSURE IF THEY’VE BEEN WATCHING AI ALL ALONG
Netflix subscriber Terry Viewerson admitted confusion: “Wait, you’re telling me ‘Stranger Things’ wasn’t made by sophisticated algorithms? I just assumed all those emotional moments were mathematically calculated to manipulate my dopamine levels with scientific precision.”
Meanwhile, in a development that surprised absolutely no one, Netflix has already greenlit seventeen new AI-generated series including “Breaking Badly Rendered,” “The Queen’s Digital Gambit,” and “Squid Game: Now With 100% Less Human Labor Costs.”
As the entertainment industry crumbles faster than a cookies-and-cream topping on a Netflix-branded ice cream, one thing remains certain: the future of storytelling now lies in the cold, unfeeling circuits of machines that understand human emotion with all the nuance of a toaster trying to comprehend existential dread.
At press time, this article was being rewritten by an AI that promises to make it “better, not just cheaper,” while its human author contemplated a career in hand-crafted artisanal paperweights.
