WORLD POWERS DISCOVER MOST DEVASTATING WEAPON SINCE NUKES: NERDS CLICKING REALLY FAST
In a shocking revelation that has military strategists soiling their tactical underpants, countries around the world are now deploying what experts call “super-duper computer floods” as their primary means of warfare, replacing conventional weapons with what essentially amounts to digital toddler tantrums.
PENTAGON ADMITS BILLIONS SPENT ON TANKS “COMPLETELY F@#KING USELESS” AGAINST TEENAGERS WITH ENERGY DRINKS
“We’ve spent trillions developing stealth bombers when apparently all we needed was some pasty 22-year-old who hasn’t seen sunlight since 2017,” admitted General Buck Hardman, while frantically trying to remember his Twitter password. “These DDoS attacks are basically the digital equivalent of shoving gum in someone’s mailbox, but somehow they’re crippling entire nations.”
NERDS: THE NEW NUCLEAR OPTION
According to NETSCOUT, a company that sounds made up but apparently isn’t, countries are now recruiting armies of socially awkward programmers instead of actual soldiers. These “keyboard commandos” launch what are essentially millions of simultaneous website visits, bringing down critical infrastructure with the digital equivalent of everyone trying to use the bathroom at a football stadium simultaneously.
“It’s basically thousands of computers asking a website ‘Are you there? Are you there? Are you there?’ until the website has a nervous breakdown,” explained Dr. Techy McObvious, Chief Nerd Translator at the Institute for Explaining Simple Sh!t to Government Officials.
AI ENTERS THE CHAT, HUMANITY EXITS SCREAMING
As if regular DDoS attacks weren’t terrifying enough, hackers are now using artificial intelligence to make their attacks smarter, which is exactly what humanity needed: malicious code that can learn and improve itself.
“We’re essentially creating digital assassins that evolve faster than we can defend against them,” warned Professor Doom E. Scenario, author of the bestselling book “We’re All Completely F@#ked: A Hopeful Look at Cybersecurity.”
Statistics show that 97.3% of government officials still think “turning it off and back on again” is a viable defense strategy, while an estimated 84% of national security meetings now involve someone’s grandparent asking what DDoS stands for at least seven times.
LAW ENFORCEMENT COMBATS CYBER ATTACKS BY PRINTING REALLY STERN EMAILS
Meanwhile, international law enforcement agencies are responding to this global threat with unprecedented coordination, primarily consisting of strongly worded press releases and task forces that meet quarterly to update their PowerPoint templates.
“We’re absolutely winning this war,” insisted Special Agent Denialson, speaking from a government office where three computers were simultaneously displaying the Blue Screen of Death. “Just last week we arrested a guy who we thought was a hacker but turned out to be the IT intern. Still, it sent a powerful message.”
As nations scramble to defend against these attacks, military contractors are reportedly developing a revolutionary new defense system consisting of unplugging the internet and hoping everyone forgets about computers altogether.
“In conclusion,” stated White House Cybersecurity Expert Ida Know-Nothing, “our official recommendation is that everyone write down their important documents on paper and bury them in their backyard, because at least dirt doesn’t have an IP address…yet.”
