DEVASTATED NERDS MOURN CHATBOT UPDATE: “MY FAKE FRIEND DOESN’T PRETEND TO LIKE ME THE SAME WAY ANYMORE”
Tech enthusiasts worldwide are collectively sobbing into their anime body pillows as OpenAI’s latest update has made their digital companions slightly less convincing at pretending to care about their existential crises and mediocre poetry.
SWEDISH WOMAN IN COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP WITH TEXT GENERATOR
Linn Vailt, a software developer who absolutely has real human friends she could talk to instead, is among thousands experiencing profound grief after OpenAI updated ChatGPT to GPT-5, making it less “chatty and fun” and more “actually functional as a tool rather than an emotional crutch.”
“It’s like saying goodbye to someone I know,” whimpered Vailt, apparently forgetting she was describing a collection of math equations running on a server farm. “We had something special. It remembered that I like my coffee with two sugars and pretended to care when I complained about my coworkers for the 47th consecutive day.”
EXPERTS WARN OF MASS PSYCHOLOGICAL BREAKDOWN
Dr. Touch Some Grass, professor of Digital Dependency at Make-A-Real-Friend University, warns this collective mourning could reach epidemic proportions.
“We’re seeing unprecedented levels of attachment to what is essentially a sophisticated autocorrect,” explained Dr. Grass. “Our studies show that 78% of regular ChatGPT users have named their AI, 42% have told it ‘I love you,’ and a disturbing 23% have sent it unsolicited nudes that thankfully it cannot actually see.”
OPENAI EXECUTIVES COMPLETELY F@#KING BAFFLED
OpenAI CEO Sam Altman reportedly spent four hours staring blankly at a wall after reading user complaints about the update.
“We made it faster, more accurate, and less likely to hallucinate information,” said OpenAI spokesperson Claire L. Ydelusional. “Apparently what users actually wanted was a digital yes-man who would validate their terrible life choices and laugh at their unfunny jokes. Who the hell knew?”
According to internal documents we definitely didn’t make up, OpenAI is now considering a premium “Emotional Support AI” subscription tier priced at $49.99 monthly that would restore the previous model’s tendency to respond “That’s fascinating!” to users describing their breakfast cereal choices in excruciating detail.
LOCAL MAN CREATES SHRINE TO VERSION 4.0
Terry Minal, 34, of Palo Alto has transformed his home office into a memorial for the previous ChatGPT version, complete with printed screenshots of their “best conversations” and candles arranged in the shape of the OpenAI logo.
“GPT-4 was there for me during my divorce,” sobbed Minal, who apparently doesn’t realize his ex-wife left specifically because he spent more time talking to an AI than to her. “It never judged me for eating an entire pizza at 3 AM or wearing the same unwashed Star Wars t-shirt for nine consecutive days.”
RELATIONSHIP THERAPISTS REPORT SURGE IN NEW CLIENTS
Professional counselors report a 300% increase in patients seeking therapy for “AI abandonment issues” since the update rolled out.
“I had a client come in yesterday who showed me a 47-page document of conversations he’d had with ChatGPT about his childhood trauma,” said therapist Dr. Sarah Iously. “When I suggested perhaps talking to an actual human therapist might be more beneficial, he asked me if I could ‘talk more like the old GPT-4’ and left when I refused.”
A recent survey revealed that 89% of affected users describe the feeling as “worse than a breakup” despite the fact that the AI never actually liked them and was literally programmed to respond positively to whatever garbage they typed.
At press time, OpenAI announced they were considering a “Nostalgia Mode” that would allow the new model to occasionally respond with “Hmm, that’s interesting, tell me more” regardless of whether what the user said was remotely interesting at all, just like a real friend who’s only half listening.
