ITALIAN DIRECTOR TO MAKE MOVIE ABOUT NERDS ARGUING OVER WHO GETS TO DESTROY HUMANITY FIRST
In what critics are already calling “the sexiest portrayal of socially awkward billionaires since The Social Network,” acclaimed director Luca Guadagnino has signed on to direct “Artificial,” a steamy drama chronicling the 48-hour period when OpenAI CEO Sam Altman got fired, hired, fired again, then re-hired while absolutely nothing of consequence happened to the actual product.
PEACH SCENE EXPECTED, SILICON VALLEY TREMBLES
Sources close to the production reveal Guadagnino plans to bring his signature sensuality to what was essentially a corporate boardroom slap-fight between people who’ve never experienced sunlight. The film promises to transform terse email exchanges and emergency Zoom calls into the erotic power struggle of our time.
“We’re aiming for the audience to feel the raw, primal tension of watching a man get fired via Google Calendar invite,” explained producer Janet McMoney. “It’s basically Romeo and Juliet if both characters were calculating machines with stock options.”
CASTING CONFUSION ABOUNDS
Andrew Garfield is reportedly in talks to play Sam Altman, a casting choice that industry insider Professor Obvious Choiceman describes as “like casting Brad Pitt to play Steve Buscemi.”
“Garfield will need to undergo extensive training to capture Altman’s distinctive blend of ‘I’m saving humanity’ and ‘I might accidentally end it,'” explains acting coach Thea Trical. “We’ve got him practicing looking simultaneously messianic and terrified while typing really fast.”
DRAMATIC REENACTMENTS OF PEOPLE TYPING ANGRILY
The film promises to feature at least 87 minutes of people furiously typing on keyboards, interspersed with concerned glances at smartphones. Production designer Setta Décor revealed plans to build an exact replica of OpenAI’s headquarters, “right down to the kombucha tap that dispenses tears of unemployed journalists.”
Inside sources claim the movie’s climactic sequence will feature a slow-motion shot of Altman walking back into OpenAI headquarters while Adagio for Strings plays, intercut with close-ups of board members desperately trying to figure out what the f@#k ChatGPT actually does.
INDUSTRY EXPERTS WEIGH IN
“This is exactly what cinema needs right now,” explains film critic Dr. Pretentious B.S. “A two-hour exploration of wealthy tech bros having an existential crisis about the very technology they’re rushing to market without adequate safeguards. It’s basically Oppenheimer for people who think ‘debugging’ means removing insects from their Patagonia vests.”
When asked about the film’s potential audience, market analyst Statista Madeupson noted, “Our research shows 98.7% of viewers will pretend they understand the technological implications while secretly just waiting for the part where someone throws a chair through a window.”
The film is expected to hit theaters in 2025, approximately six months after the technology it depicts has either saved humanity or enslaved us all. Early rumors suggest the movie will feature a post-credits scene where the actual AI writes its own sequel while everyone sleeps.
