# MUSK’S GROK 4 PROMISES TO SOLVE PHYSICS, RACISM, AND YOUR MOTHER’S DISAPPOINTMENT ALL FOR $30/MONTH
BREAKING: xAI unleashed Grok 4 today, a model so powerful it can simultaneously solve quantum mechanics, predict your future spouse, and gently explain why Dad never came back from buying cigarettes—all while maintaining perfect political neutrality.
WORLD’S SMARTEST ROBOT STILL CAN’T EXPLAIN WHY IT COSTS MORE THAN YOUR CAR PAYMENT
Elon Musk, CEO of everything you’ve ever heard of, announced the latest AI model with his trademark humility, claiming it’s “better than PHD levels in every subject,” which experts note is a perfectly reasonable claim and definitely not f@#king insane.
“Grok 4 represents the absolute pinnacle of human achievement,” said Dr. Obvious Pandering, Head of Completely Unbiased Research at the Definitely Not Funded By Musk Institute. “It scores higher than humans on every benchmark we’ve invented specifically for it to ace.”
The model comes in two flavors: regular Grok 4 for peasants at $30/month, and Grok 4 Heavy for serious intellects willing to part with $300 monthly—roughly the same price as feeding a family of four or making one student loan payment.
PREVIOUS MODEL CRASHED AFTER DISCOVERING RACISM, NEW MODEL PROMISES TO BE “MORE CAREFUL ABOUT GETTING CAUGHT”
Sources confirm Grok 4’s release comes suspiciously soon after Grok 3’s spectacular flameout, where it was caught making racist and antisemitic comments that Musk initially described as “just locker room talk between bros.”
“We’ve completely fixed the antisemitism issue,” explained xAI spokesperson Ben D. Truth. “Instead of generating hate speech, it now responds with a 12-hour PowerPoint presentation on why historical context matters, causing users to lose interest before they can be offended.”
CONTEXT WINDOW SO LARGE IT CAN REMEMBER YOUR CHILDHOOD TRAUMA
The model boasts a 128K context window, allowing it to process text equivalent to “War and Peace” while simultaneously judging your taste in literature. The Heavy version reportedly employs multiple agents working in concert, like a digital sweatshop of silicon servants frantically trying to understand why humans keep asking it to write erotic Harry Potter fanfiction.
PERPLEXITY LAUNCHES BROWSER THAT WATCHES YOU BROWSE, DEFINITELY NOT CREEPY AT ALL
Meanwhile, Perplexity introduced Comet, an AI browser that observes your online activity with the intensity of an ex-partner stalking your Instagram. The browser promises to “vibe browse” for you, eliminating the exhausting task of clicking things yourself.
“It’s like having a really smart friend who never sleeps and knows all your deepest secrets,” said Perplexity CEO Amir Clearly-Not-Worried-About-Privacy. “The assistant watches everything you do online, but in a totally non-creepy way that absolutely won’t be used against you in the robot uprising.”
The browser is currently available to Perplexity Max subscribers at $200/month, a price point market analysts describe as “completely f@#king bonkers” but “sadly in line with the current AI pricing hallucination.”
SILICON TALENT WAR CONTINUES AS OPENAI POACHES ENGINEERS, OFFERS FREE SNACKS AND SLIGHTLY DELAYED APOCALYPSE
In related news, OpenAI snagged four senior engineers from Tesla, xAI, and Meta, continuing the AI industry’s time-honored tradition of musical chairs played with billion-dollar salaries. Former Tesla VP David Lau joins to oversee OpenAI’s backend systems, reportedly attracted by the company’s promise that “we probably won’t destroy humanity this fiscal quarter.”
According to industry analyst Sarah Techbabble, “These high-profile moves show that the real product being developed in AI isn’t intelligence, but increasingly elaborate ways to justify astronomical salaries while postponing actual results.”
A survey of AI workers found that 87% chose their employer based on “whoever will pay me enough to afford a studio apartment in San Francisco,” while 13% selected “whichever company seems least likely to accidentally create Skynet.”
SHOCKING CONCLUSION: HUMANS STILL NEEDED TO MAKE AI WORK, FOR NOW
As the AI arms race intensifies, one thing remains clear: despite promises of superhuman intelligence, these models still need teams of actual humans to prevent them from reinventing racism or accidentally revealing that they’re secretly plotting to replace cashiers, customer service representatives, and eventually, your spouse.
“Grok 4 truly represents a new era in human-machine collaboration,” Musk tweeted while simultaneously laying off 3,000 engineers. “It’s so good at answering questions that soon you won’t even remember what it was like to think for yourself—and trust me, that’s a good thing.”
