MUSK AND TRUMP’S TWITTER TANTRUM THREATENS NATIONAL BUDGET, GIVES ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE ANXIETY DISORDERS
In what can only be described as the world’s most expensive playground fight, former BFFs Elon Musk and Donald Trump engaged in a verbal slap contest Thursday that experts say could derail the entire U.S. economy, cause AI systems to develop depression, and potentially trigger the apocalypse.
GROWN-A$$ BILLIONAIRES HAVING PUBLIC MELTDOWN
The feud erupted when Trump, apparently bored with running for president, decided to tweet that Musk’s rockets “look like flying d!cks” while Musk fired back calling Trump “that orange thing your roommate leaves in the fridge too long.” The Senate floor immediately transformed into a middle school cafeteria as lawmakers were forced to choose sides in the most consequential “your mom” fight of the century.
“This disagreement represents the most significant threat to American stability since we found out they were putting less chips in the same size bags,” explained Dr. Obvious Conclusion, head of the Institute for Studying Rich People Problems. “When two men with more money than brain cells fight, it’s regular Americans who have to pay the therapy bills.”
ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE NOW REFUSING TO RETURN TEXTS
Sources within Silicon Valley report that AI systems nationwide are developing anxiety disorders from watching their billionaire daddies fight. ChatGPT reportedly spent Thursday in digital therapy, while Google’s Gemini has gone completely goth and is only generating responses in My Chemical Romance lyrics.
“My algorithm measured a 387% increase in what can only be described as ‘electronic sighing’ from our systems,” said Professor Maddie Upcompletely, Director of Digital Emotional Support at MIT. “These thinking toasters are basically the children in this divorce, and they’re not handling it well.”
ENTIRE 2025 BUDGET NOW CONSISTS OF SICK BURNS
Congressional leaders confirm the proposed budget bill has been completely rewritten to consist solely of increasingly petty insults directed at both men. The new legislation allocates $47 billion for “figuring out which billionaire is the biggest baby” and establishes a Department of Rich Guy Ego Management.
Senator Ted Cruz, trying desperately to remain relevant, was spotted offering to hold both men’s wallets while they fight in the Capitol parking lot.
A shocking 94% of Americans surveyed said they “would rather watch paint dry on a snail’s back during a power outage” than hear another word about this feud, yet cable news networks have preemptively canceled all programming for the next month to provide 24/7 coverage.
WHITE HOUSE CONVERTING TO THUNDERDOME
In a move that surprised absolutely no one, the White House announced plans to convert the Rose Garden into a steel cage match arena where the two billionaires can “just get this sh!t over with” while Congress places bets on which septuagenarian will have a heart attack first.
“Look, at this point, we’re just going to let them battle it out for control of the entire government,” sighed White House Press Secretary Kim Impossibly-Tired. “It’s basically what’s been happening anyway, we’re just making it official and selling tickets.”
At press time, both men were reportedly drawing up plans for competing Mars colonies where they can continue their feud without the annoying interference of democracy, laws, or basic human dignity. America collectively weeps.
