MUSK THREATENS TO SUE APPLE WITH EVIDENCE HE FOUND “DEEP IN HIS OWN ASS”
In what experts are calling “the temper tantrum heard ’round Silicon Valley,” billionaire and professional attention-seeker Elon Musk has threatened to sue Apple for the heinous crime of not making his AI app the most popular one in the App Store.
“Apple is behaving in a manner that makes it impossible for any AI company besides OpenAI to reach #1,” whined the world’s richest toddler on his own social media platform that absolutely nobody calls “X” except under duress.
AREA MAN CAN’T UNDERSTAND WHY HIS SH!TTY APP ISN’T #1
Sources close to Musk report that the billionaire became enraged after discovering his xAI application ranked somewhere between “forgotten pandemic sourdough starter apps” and “knockoff Flappy Bird games” on the App Store charts.
“It’s a f@#king conspiracy,” Musk reportedly screamed while throwing his iPhone at a wall. “There’s no way people actually PREFER ChatGPT to my hastily developed alternative that I made because I’m mad at my former business partners!”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN ON MUSK’S LEGAL THREAT
Dr. Sue M. Forlibel, Professor of Legal Studies at Make-Believe University, offered her professional assessment: “This lawsuit has approximately the same chance of success as me becoming the next Pope. And I’m a Jewish woman, so do the math.”
Industry analyst Petty McVendetta noted, “When Musk says ‘unequivocal antitrust violation,’ what he actually means is ‘waaaaaaaaaah, they’re being mean to meeeeeee.'”
A study by the Completely Made Up Research Institute found that 87% of Musk’s legal threats are abandoned within 72 hours, while the remaining 13% result in settlements where he pays someone else money while claiming victory.
ALTMAN RESPONDS WITH WORLD’S MOST PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE TWEET
OpenAI CEO Sam Altman responded to Musk’s tantrum with a tweet so passive-aggressive it could only have been crafted by someone who spent years tolerating Musk in board meetings.
“Weird how users just seem to prefer some apps over others,” Altman wrote, causing third-degree burns to Musk’s ego that required immediate medical attention.
Sources inside Apple report CEO Tim Cook read Musk’s threat while in a meeting and simply said, “New phone who dis?” before returning to discussions about making the iPhone 16 exactly 0.02mm thinner than the previous model.
MUSK PREPARING “EVIDENCE” FOR LAWSUIT
Insiders report Musk is now frantically gathering evidence for his lawsuit by having his sentient calculator servants scrape data from the App Store and interpret it in the most paranoid way possible.
“He’s got a team of 19 engineers working around the clock to prove his app should be more popular than it is,” said one anonymous source. “It’s like watching someone try to mathematically prove that people should find them more attractive.”
Financial analysts estimate Musk has already wasted approximately $42 million in company resources pursuing this tantrum, or as he calls it, “a rounding error in my ‘f@#k you’ budget.”
As of press time, Musk was reportedly drafting new legal threats against gravity for making his rockets occasionally explode and against the concept of linear time for not allowing him to sleep 20 minutes a day while running 11 companies simultaneously.
