MUSK PURCHASES HIMSELF FROM HIMSELF FOR ABSURD SUM, DECLARES “I’M WORTH EVERY PENNY”
In what financial experts are calling “the most masturbatory business transaction of the century,” Elon Musk’s company xAI has acquired Elon Musk’s other company X for a staggering $45 billion, essentially allowing Musk to write himself a comically large check while staring lovingly into a mirror.
BILLIONAIRE ACHIEVES CORPORATE SELFCEST
The deal, announced via a 3 AM tweet composed entirely of cryptic emojis and later clarified by interpretive dance, will “combine the data, models, compute, distribution and talent” of the two companies, according to a press release that appeared to have been written by Musk while sitting on the toilet.
“This is about unlocking immense potential,” said Musk, who was reportedly wearing a t-shirt with his own face on it during the announcement. “The potential being my ability to move money from my left pocket to my right pocket in the most complicated f@#king way possible.”
GROK AI TO BECOME EVEN MORE INSUFFERABLE
Industry analysts predict that Grok AI, xAI’s chatbot personality that answers questions with the smug condescension of a libertarian college sophomore, will gain broader distribution across the X platform, ensuring that users can now be corrected about politics by an algorithm that learned everything it knows from reply guys.
“This merger means Grok will soon be capable of generating not just any bulls#!t, but premium, verification-badge-worthy bulls#!t,” explained Dr. Obvious Conflict, Professor of Self-Dealing at the University of Circular Money Flow. “We’re talking exponentially improved capacity to tell you why the submarine wouldn’t fit in that cave.”
FINANCIAL MIRACLE OR SHELL GAME?
Wall Street has responded with a mixture of confusion and hysterical laughter, with several traders reportedly requiring oxygen after attempting to explain the transaction to their clients.
“It’s like watching someone play three-card monte with himself and somehow still lose money,” said financial analyst Sarah Ledgerline. “If I tried this with my companies, I’d be in federal prison before the ink dried.”
According to made-up statistics from the International Money Shuffling Association, approximately 97.3% of multi-billion dollar self-acquisitions result in nothing but fancy press releases and executive bonuses that could fund small nations.
USERS BRACE FOR IMPACT
Regular users of X are preparing for the inevitable platform changes, which sources close to Musk suggest will include a new subscription tier called “X Premium Ultra Mega Super Plus” that costs $99 per month and primarily features exclusive videos of Musk attempting breakdancing.
“I just want a website where I can post pictures of my lunch without having to navigate through seventeen pop-ups asking if I want to subscribe to Elon’s brain farts,” said longtime user @DogeCoinBeliever420, who requested anonymity for fear of being assigned homework by Grok.
WHAT’S NEXT?
When asked about future plans, Musk hinted at even more groundbreaking innovations, including what he described as “cars that catch fire but in a cool way” and “social media that makes you nostalgic for MySpace.”
Inside sources reveal Musk is already planning his next venture: acquiring himself personally from himself corporately in a $100 billion deal that experts anticipate will involve at least three shell companies, a Delaware trust, and a contractual obligation for humanity to refer to him as “The Elongated One” in all future communications.
As the dust settles on this historic transaction, one thing remains clear: in the high-stakes game of corporate musical chairs, Elon Musk has figured out how to be both the music and the chairs while charging himself admission to his own party.
