HOLY SH!T: MIT TEACHES STUDENTS HOW TO MANIPULATE VOTERS USING “DATA” IN DISTURBING POLITICAL MIND-CONTROL CLASS
CAMBRIDGE, MA – In what can only be described as a Machiavellian boot camp for aspiring puppet masters, MIT is now openly teaching students how to control your pathetic little voting brain through a course innocuously titled “Data and Politics.” The class might as well be called “How to Make Democracy Your B!tch 101.”
FUTURE ELECTION RIGGERS RECEIVE COLLEGE CREDIT
Professor Daniel Hidalgo, who sources describe as “suspiciously normal-looking for someone teaching mind control,” has created an entire semester dedicated to showing America’s brightest young minds how to transform your deeply held personal beliefs into manipulatable data points. Students learn to reduce your entire political identity to a series of algorithms that can be exploited faster than your grandmother falls for Facebook scams.
“I wanted to create an applied, practice-based course that would appeal to undergraduates,” Hidalgo said, conveniently omitting “and eventually help them rule the world” from the end of his sentence.
TURNING VOTERS INTO PREDICTABLE MEAT PUPPETS
The course teaches future political operatives how to use “real-world datasets” to analyze voter behavior, which is academic-speak for “figuring out exactly which buttons to push to make you vote against your own interests.” Students learn to dissect polling data, voter turnout patterns, and public opinion shifts with the cold precision of a sociopath dissecting a neighborhood pet.
“You have to understand the people at the other end of the data,” Hidalgo explains, in what might be the most terrifying statement ever uttered in an educational setting.
Dr. Obvious Manipulation, an expert in voter psychology who definitely exists, explained the implications: “This course essentially teaches students that voters aren’t human beings with complex thoughts and values, but rather predictable response machines who can be herded like cats if you have enough f@#king spreadsheets.”
STUDENTS LEARN TO CREATE THEIR OWN PROPAGANDA LABORATORY
The course’s capstone project requires students to collect, analyze, and interpret original survey data, essentially creating miniature propaganda factories. Second-year student Jackson Hamilton enthusiastically described creating “budget trade-off questions” to manipulate what people think the government should spend money on, showing all the moral reflection of a shark at a seal convention.
“I found that political issues that get a lot of media coverage are not necessarily the same issues which divide lawmakers,” Hamilton said, accidentally admitting that the entire political system is a goddamn circus designed to distract you from what’s actually happening.
DEMOCRACY OFFICIALLY ON LIFE SUPPORT
A staggering 97.3% of political campaigns now employ MIT-trained data scientists specifically to figure out how to make you angry enough to vote but not angry enough to actually overthrow the system. These silicon-powered political puppeteers can now predict your voting behavior with more accuracy than you can predict what you’ll have for lunch tomorrow.
Sean Wilson, a physics major taking the course, blithely commented that “members of a representative democracy can make better decisions with this kind of information,” apparently missing the point that the entire f@#king purpose is to make your decisions FOR you.
Professor Idon Tcare, head of the Obvious Conclusions Department at Somewhere University, summed it up perfectly: “When MIT starts teaching courses on how to systematically analyze and manipulate voter behavior, it’s probably time to start paying attention to that weird guy in your neighborhood who’s been storing canned goods and talking about living off the grid.”
In conclusion, while you’re busy arguing with strangers on Twitter about which elderly millionaire should run the country, MIT students are learning exactly how to ensure your vote was predetermined months before you even thought about casting it. Sleep tight, voters!
