MIT Professor Heroically Attempts to Deploy AI for “Good,” Shockingly Does Not Create Evil Robot Army
In a stunning turn of events that absolutely no one saw coming, an MIT professor has boldly set out to use artificial intelligence for something other than job automation, surveillance, and writing mediocre term papers. Manish Raghavan, a faculty member with enough titles to paralyze the average LinkedIn user, hopes to harness the power of algorithms to tackle “long-standing societal problems”—you know, the kind that centuries of human effort haven’t managed to fix but that a few lines of code might totally sort out.
“I think AI could help us with things like societal inequalities and systemic discrimination,” Raghavan explained, presumably while the Terminator theme hummed faintly in the background. “It’s hard to argue that hiring practices have historically been awesome,” he added, noting that humans have never truly excelled at the radical concept of fairness. But don’t worry—Raghavan has a plan to make AI so transparent, it’ll let us see exactly how biased and terrible we are, like one of those judgmental bathroom mirrors in a Macy’s dressing room.
Critics and armchair philosophers may scoff at the idea of letting machines solve problems that humans created, but Raghavan insists on optimism. “AI can measure discrimination better than people. Machines can literally chart out how much we suck—scientifically,” he stated. The technology’s ability to do this has sparked hope that we might finally have an honest conversation about bias, followed by an awkward silence when no one knows what to do about it.
Indeed, Raghavan’s past research includes partnering algorithms with physicians to determine the correct care for patients suffering from gastrointestinal bleeding. “Doctors are great, but algorithms are consistent,” Raghavan explained. “Also, algorithms don’t get tired or think they’re God because they guessed the diagnosis for a rare rash back in the ’90s.” Still, the professor conceded that humans occasionally outperform AI in certain nuanced scenarios. Computers, for instance, remain tragically incapable of making small talk with sobbing families in a hospital hallway.
But Raghavan isn’t stopping with medicine. He’s also dabbling in ways to save society from itself on social media, where algorithms currently fuel dopamine-deprived users with content about alien conspiracies, keto diets, and why the moon “feels fake.” His solution? Platforms could theoretically be reprogrammed to encourage “long-term satisfaction” instead of instant gratification. “It’s like designing a social media feed that’s more like a yoga retreat and less like a Chuck E. Cheese brawl,” Raghavan claimed. Critics say that sounds an awful lot like vegetables-for-dessert territory, but Raghavan is unshaken. He remains a rare idealist in a sea of tech bros primarily invested in turning your every click into a yacht payment.
Colleagues describe Raghavan as “seriously way too nice to work with computers,” and his students compare him to a “chill dad who also knows quantum mechanics.” Despite his borderline hippie vibes, Raghavan keeps himself grounded by coaching soccer at Harvard, because nothing tempers utopian dreams quite like a grown adult screaming at teenagers about offside calls.
In reflecting on the intersection of algorithms and human nature, Raghavan believes AI’s greatest potential lies in teaching us about ourselves. “If we do this right, AI could finally answer the perennial question: ‘Why are we like this?’” he said. Of course, it’s still early days, and only time will tell if Raghavan’s attempts to use AI for good will lead to genuine societal change—or just a slightly less rage-inducing Instagram feed.
For now, at least, we can take comfort in knowing that someone at MIT is putting more thought into our collective well-being than into building laser-eyed drones to enforce parking laws.
