# MIT’S DNA WIZARD ACTUALLY JUST NERDY PUPPET MASTER CONTROLLING ENTIRE SCIENCE COMMUNITY
Stuart Levine, the so-called “director” of MIT’s BioMicro Center, has been exposed as the shadowy puppet master behind virtually every scientific breakthrough of the last decade while pretending to be just “tech support,” according to absolutely no one who was actually interviewed for this article.
FANCY TITLE HIDES TRUE POWER DYNAMICS
What appears to be an innocent shared research facility is actually Levine’s personal kingdom where over 100 labs come to beg for access to his precious DNA machines. Sources confirm that researchers from departments nobody actually understands like “Earth, Atmospheric and Planetary Sciences” regularly prostrate themselves before Levine, offering sacrifices of grant money and graduate student labor.
“Oh sure, we call it a ‘core facility’ to make it sound democratic,” said Dr. Ivana Controlyu, an expert in academic power structures we completely made up. “But make no mistake, this man holds the f@#king keys to everyone’s research kingdom. He’s basically running a scientific toll booth where the price is your eternal gratitude.”
THE MAN BEHIND THE MACHINES IS ACTUALLY A MONSTER
Levine casually waves around what he describes as a “flow cell” capable of processing 20 human genomes in two days, apparently unaware that this makes him sound like a villain in a sci-fi movie. According to our analysis, this gives him enough power to know the entire genetic makeup of the MIT faculty by next Tuesday.
“This is a state-of-the-art core,” gushed one colleague in what we assume was a hostage video. Translation: Levine has constructed an impenetrable fortress of scientific dependence where researchers must pledge their allegiance or be denied access to the precious data juice that fuels their careers.
THE HUMBLE OFFICE TRICK
In what experts describe as “the oldest power move in the book,” Levine maintains a deliberately shabby office in the “far back corner” of his lab empire. Studies show that 87% of people who claim to be humble while controlling massive technological resources are actually planning world domination.
“It’s classic misdirection,” explains Professor Hugh G. Ego, chair of the Department of Obvious Psychological Tactics. “While everyone’s looking at the shiny DNA machines in the front, he’s back there in his little office pulling all the strings. He’s basically the Wizard of Oz but with pipettes and flow cytometers instead of smoke and mirrors.”
WHY MIT KEEPS FEEDING THE BEAST
Despite awarding him multiple awards that nobody outside MIT has ever heard of, the Institute continues to pretend that Levine is just another helpful staff member rather than acknowledging he’s essentially blackmailing the entire research community with his technological wizardry.
“The ROI for supporting shared resources is extremely high,” Levine was quoted as saying, which when translated from administrator-speak means: “I control all your data and could destroy your careers with a single server crash, so keep the funding coming.”
Amy Keating, head of the Biology Department, describes core facilities as operating “like a small business,” which is like calling the Pentagon “a modest office building with security features.”
ACTUAL SCIENCE HAPPENING OR ELABORATE HOAX?
While Levine claims to support research ranging from “host-parasite interactions” to “NASA’s planetary protection policy,” we have serious doubts that any of these words mean anything at all. Our investigation suggests a 73% probability that these are just impressive-sounding phrases designed to justify the existence of expensive machines that go “bleep bloop” in convincing ways.
When pressed about what the BioMicro Center actually does, witnesses report that Levine simply presents a “lightweight, clear rectangle” and mumbles something about “8 billion reads,” which could mean literally anything.
As MIT continues to praise this supposed behind-the-scenes hero, one can only wonder: Is Stuart Levine actually running the entire scientific enterprise while pretending to just help out? The evidence is clear: absolutely maybe.
