MIT Delegation Masters Rich Tradition of Talking About Saving World While Crafting Impressive PowerPoint Presentations at COP16
In a historic first that may redefine global solutions to biodiversity loss, MIT dispatched a robust ensemble of intellectuals to the UN Biodiversity Convention. The delegation aimed to dazzle attendees, primarily through the innovative art of PowerPoint slides and jargon-laden speeches, whilst praying no one asks how all this changes anything.
The event, held in Colombia from October 21 to November 1, was not only a showcase of MIT’s newfound fondness for elaborate conferences over actual problem-solving but also a golden opportunity to introduce a slew of buzzwords like “biodiversity conservation” and “equitable markets.” This opulent display of intellectual prowess was described as a “privilege and honor” by MIT ESI Director John E. Fernández, in a totally-not-rehearsed statement that symbolized the institution’s bid to tackle both climate change and biodiversity loss from the comfort of a high-back conference chair.
Delegates cautiously skirted around straightforward solutions in favor of forming groups with such catchy names as the “Coalition of Cities Against Illicit Economies in the Biogeographic Chocó Region,” a title that absolutely no one will remember by the time they’ve exited the room. In a move practically deified by every academic in attendance, they signed declarations that nonchalantly committed to bold new initiatives that may or may not involve actual follow-through.
In the sphere of technological wizardry, Professor Sara Beery took to the stage, promising salvation through AI with the kind of fervor last seen in watershed moments of human history, like when humanity discovered bread could be sliced. “To effectively address our issues, we need more AI,” she boomed, ignoring little details like social disparities or the minor fact that machines can only do so much more than make us feel better about ourselves. A participant close to the situation reported feeling “a sense of hope and existential dread simultaneously.”
Meanwhile, the less-than-transparent carbon markets were assessed in a manner that guaranteed the preservation of the status quo. All in attendance nodded sagely as key findings were ignored over the rustling of press kits and the clinking of conference teacups. This research declaration is bound to engage Indigenous, Afro-descendant, and local communities…in an exchange of polite, if vacuous, empty words, leaving the structural barriers firmly intact while everyone feigns surprise at the ignominious state of affairs.
All was said and done while MIT’s esteemed attendees blithely packed their bags full of exotic information and half-baked solutions, boarding flights back to Cambridge with a treasure-trove of tales that will enchantly sidetrack dinner conversations for months without actually solving the conundrum of biodiversity loss. But hey, at least they’ve got the slideshows to prove they care.
