TECH’S LATEST MIRACLE PILL WILL ADD YEARS TO YOUR LIFE – OR JUST BANKRUPT YOU, WHATEVER COMES FIRST
In a groundbreaking advancement that combines the miracle of modern medicine with the soul-crushing reality of capitalism, researchers have introduced “B-Bots,” microscopic gut-regulating bacteria that will either revolutionize healthcare or leave poor people to die of preventable illnesses. It’s really a coin toss at this point!
TINY ROBOTS IN YOUR SH!T ARE THE FUTURE, EXPERTS SAY
The revolutionary B-Bots, tiny bacterial mimics activated by f@#king Bluetooth (because everything needs Bluetooth now, apparently), promise to regulate users’ gut biomes, treating everything from vitamin deficiencies to acid reflux. But in a shocking twist that absolutely no one could have predicted except literally everyone, the company behind this miracle cure has announced it will only be available via subscription model.
“This is the natural evolution of healthcare,” explained Dr. Profit Marginson, CEO of GutTech Industries. “First we cure you, then we hold that cure hostage until your automatic payments clear. It’s brilliant, really.”
SUBSCRIPTION HEALTHCARE: BECAUSE DYING SHOULDN’T BE A ONE-TIME PURCHASE
The new system, dubbed “(Pre/Sub)scribe” by its creator, allows patients to experience the joy of health for exactly as long as their credit cards remain valid. Users report dramatic improvements in chronic conditions right up until the moment their payment method expires.
“I haven’t had acid reflux in months,” exclaimed Briar Williams, an early B-Bot adopter. “Of course, now I live in constant fear that if I miss a payment, my stomach will immediately dissolve itself. But that’s just the price of innovation!”
A recent survey found that 97.3% of Americans believe this subscription model is “totally f@#ked up but also inevitable,” while the remaining 2.7% were too busy checking their bank balances to respond.
AMERICA VS. EVERYONE ELSE: THE SUFFERING OLYMPICS CONTINUES
The development has highlighted stark differences between American healthcare and systems in countries where citizens don’t need to sell plasma to afford insulin.
“In Canada, I had cancer treatment without having to launch a GoFundMe,” explained one patient who wished to remain anonymous for fear of being labeled a socialist. “Meanwhile, Americans are being held hostage by bacterial robots controlled by their phones. Land of the free, am I right?”
Dr. Ida Rather Die, healthcare economist at Please Kill Me University, explains: “Americans spend 42% of their income on healthcare and another 37% on subscriptions they forgot to cancel. This new model brilliantly combines both financial drains into one convenient payment that you’ll never be able to escape!”
THE SCIENCE IS COMPLICATED, UNLIKE THE BUSINESS MODEL WHICH IS JUST EVIL
The science behind B-Bots draws on revolutionary research in microbiomes, with creator Annaliese Meyer emphasizing the complex interactions between gut bacteria. “The human microbiome contains trillions of bacteria engaged in delicate ecological relationships,” Meyer explained. “We’ve harnessed this complexity to create a system where rich people thrive and poor people develop irritable bowel syndrome. Nature is beautiful.”
When asked if there were ethical concerns about making life-saving treatments contingent on subscription payments, company spokesperson Richard Moneygrubber replied, “Ethical concerns? Sorry, that subscription tier starts at $299/month.”
WHAT’S NEXT: OXYGEN AS A SERVICE?
Industry insiders predict this is just the beginning of subscription-based bodily functions. Future products reportedly include:
– HydroPlus: Water that only remains non-toxic as long as your monthly payments clear
– OxyPrime: Air that doesn’t cause lung cancer (premium tier only)
– SleepNow: The ability to close your eyes without seeing ads (annual subscribers save 10%)
As one venture capitalist put it, “The human body has numerous systems we haven’t monetized yet. That’s not innovation, that’s inefficiency.”
At press time, developer Meyer was seen frantically trying to apply for Canadian citizenship after realizing what unholy monster she had created. Unfortunately, her citizenship application was rejected due to insufficient iCloud storage.
