MINISTERIAL HUNGER GAMES: POLITICIANS ENGAGE IN BLOODTHIRSTY BATTLE FOR FANCY OFFICE WITH WINDOW
In what observers are calling “the most vicious playground fight since little Timmy stole everyone’s juice boxes in 2018,” Labor MPs are currently engaged in a factional death match over who gets the shiniest desk toys and best parking spots in the upcoming ministry reshuffle.
TERRITORIAL PISSINGS
The NSW right faction, already suspected of hoarding ministry positions like toilet paper during a pandemic, is now fighting desperate allegations of being “overrepresented,” a political euphemism for “those greedy b@stards have too many f@#king jobs.”
Victorian MPs, meanwhile, have been spotted drawing battle lines on parliamentary floor maps and fashioning crude weapons from parliamentary procedure handbooks as they prepare to launch what insiders call “Operation Take That Corner Office With The Good View.”
FACTIONAL WARFARE REACHES KINDERGARTEN LEVELS
“What we’re seeing here is essentially adults in expensive suits fighting over who gets to sit at the cool kids’ table,” explained political analyst Dr. Obvious Power-Grab. “It’s less about representing constituents and more about who gets the ministry with the executive bathroom.”
Sources confirm that members of the NSW right have barricaded themselves in the parliamentary cafeteria, stockpiling muffins and declaring, “We’ve earned these ministries through years of backstabbing and tactical a$$-kissing! You can’t take them now!”
EXPERT OPINION: JESUS CHRIST THIS IS PATHETIC
Professor Polly Ticking, head of Factional Tantrum Studies at the University of Who Gives a Sh!t, offered this assessment: “Our research indicates that 97.3% of Australians would rather watch paint dry than care about which subfaction of which party gets which meaningless title. The remaining 2.7% are literally the politicians themselves and their immediate families.”
ALBANESE CONSIDERS INNOVATIVE SOLUTION
Prime Minister Anthony Albanese is reportedly considering novel approaches to resolve the crisis, including a mandatory group therapy session, a bouncy castle battle royale, or simply throwing all the positions in a hat and letting MPs draw names while blindfolded.
“I’ve considered making them all play musical chairs, but worried someone might get stabbed with a pen,” an exhausted Albanese reportedly told aides. “Maybe we should just let them fight it out with pool noodles on the parliament lawn. At least then the public would get some entertainment value.”
PUBLIC REACTION: WHO THE F@#K CARES?
A recent poll shows that 89% of Australians responded to news of the factional dispute with “Who gives a sh!t?” while 11% opted for the more nuanced “Is this really what we’re paying these people for?”
Sydney resident Karen Matthews expressed the national sentiment: “So let me get this straight. The country’s on fire half the year, I can’t afford to buy groceries AND pay rent, and these overpaid suits are fighting over who gets the fanciest title on their business card? That’s just f@#king peachy.”
CONCLUSION: DEMOCRACY AT ITS FINEST
As the battle rages on, political scientists have confirmed this is exactly what the founding fathers envisioned when establishing parliamentary democracy: grown adults fighting like seagulls over a discarded chip while the country collectively rolls its eyes so hard they can see their own brains.
At press time, sources confirmed several MPs were planning to hold their breath until they turned blue if they didn’t get the ministry they wanted, truly embodying the mature leadership Australia desperately needs during these challenging times.
