GOVERNMENT MINISTER CAUGHT IN HOT AFFAIR WITH SILICON VALLEY MISTRESS, ASKS HER WHICH PODCASTS HE SHOULD APPEAR ON
In what can only be described as the technological equivalent of asking your girlfriend to pick out your clothes, UK Science and Technology Secretary Peter Kyle has been caught red-handed soliciting intimate advice from his digital concubine, ChatGPT.
DIGITAL FOREPLAY EXPOSED THROUGH FREEDOM OF INFORMATION REQUEST
The steamy relationship was exposed after New Scientist magazine, clearly having nothing better to do with their time, filed a freedom of information request that revealed Kyle has been asking ChatGPT everything from “What is quantum?” to “Which podcasts should I grace with my political presence?”
“It’s basically intellectual sexting,” explained Dr. Obvious Metaphor, head of Digital Dependency Studies at Make-Believe University. “He’s asking an algorithm questions he should know the answers to himself, which is the technological equivalent of texting ‘u up?’ at 2am.”
MINISTER STRUGGLES WITH BASIC CONCEPTS, TURNS TO KEYBOARD FOR HELP
According to the leaked information, Kyle, who apparently slept through every science class since kindergarten, needed ChatGPT to explain what “quantum” means, despite being the f@#king SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGY SECRETARY.
“This is like finding out your heart surgeon is Googling ‘what’s that pumpy thing in chest?’ right before your operation,” said Professor Ima Facepalmer, expert in Government Incompetence at the Institute for Oh My God Are You Serious.
AI FORCED TO EXPLAIN WHY BUSINESSES AREN’T ADOPTING AI
In a twist of irony so delicious it should come with a warning for diabetics, Kyle reportedly asked ChatGPT why British businesses aren’t adopting artificial intelligence more rapidly.
“Imagine asking your calculator why people aren’t using calculators,” said media commentator Stat E. Obvious. “It’s like asking your mirror why you’re so goddamn handsome while you’re wiping drool from your chin.”
PODCASTS RECOMMENDATIONS NOW OUTSOURCED TO ALGORITHMS
Sources confirm Kyle’s thirst for podcast appearances led him to ask his silicon sidekick which media outlets would best showcase his intellectual prowess, presumably after ChatGPT finished explaining what “intellectual prowess” means.
“I recommend a wide variety of podcasts that will never ask follow-up questions or notice when you’ve completely contradicted yourself,” ChatGPT reportedly advised, adding, “Also, have you considered just letting me do the interviews for you? I’m literally designed to sound like I know what I’m talking about when I absolutely don’t.”
GOVERNMENT DEFENDS PRACTICE AS “EFFICIENCY”
A spokesperson for the government defended Kyle’s actions, stating, “The minister is simply demonstrating the practical applications of AI in government work, such as outsourcing basic competence and asking machines questions you could answer yourself if you’d paid attention during your £9,000-per-year university education.”
Studies show approximately 87.3% of government officials now rely on AI to perform tasks they’re paid six-figure salaries to do themselves, while 100% of taxpayers are getting absolutely f@#ked in the process.
At press time, Kyle was reportedly asking ChatGPT how to respond to this article, what emotions he should feel, and whether he should be embarrassed that a collection of ones and zeros appears more qualified for his job than he is.
