MINISTER CAUGHT IN 47-HOUR “CUDDLE MARATHON” WITH JEFF BEZOS’ LAPTOP
LONDON — Technology Secretary Peter Kyle has been caught in what insiders are calling an “uncomfortably intimate relationship” with big tech after shocking revelations show he spent more time with Silicon Valley executives than with his own bathroom mirror.
MINISTER BASICALLY LIVING IN MARK ZUCKERBERG’S POCKET
Guardian analysis revealed Kyle met with tech sector representatives a staggering 28 times in just six months, which mathematics experts confirm is “a f@#k-ton more meetings than any normal human could endure without receiving stock options.” The frequency represents a 70% increase from his predecessor, who reportedly limited tech interactions to “occasional eye contact and awkward Christmas party small talk.”
TECH BROS CELEBRATE “OPERATION GOVERNMENT ACQUISITION”
“We’ve finally completed the most affordable government takeover in history,” said an anonymous executive spotted leaving Kyle’s office wearing a hoodie worth more than the average UK home. “All it cost us was a few lattes and the promise to remember his birthday.”
EXPERTS QUESTION MINISTER’S INDEPENDENCE
Dr. Hugh R. Kidding, Professor of Political Patronage at the University of Common Sense, expressed concern about the relationship. “When a minister spends more time with Google than with his constituents, we have to ask if he’s representing the people or just waiting for his invitation to Burning Man,” Kidding told AI Antics while slowly backing away from his Alexa device.
KYLE DEFENDS RELATIONSHIP AS “PERFECTLY NORMAL”
When reached for comment, Kyle insisted the meetings were entirely professional, though witnesses report seeing him wear a “Meta 4 Eva” temporary tattoo during Parliamentary sessions.
“I simply believe in maintaining an open dialogue with all stakeholders,” Kyle stated from what appeared to be the passenger seat of Elon Musk’s Tesla roadster. “The fact that I’ve changed my ringtone to the Amazon checkout sound is completely coincidental.”
PARLIAMENT INTRODUCES NEW TECH REGULATIONS
In related news, Parliament has introduced groundbreaking legislation requiring all tech companies to rebrand their customer service departments as “Democratic Oversight Committees,” with no other changes required.
LEAKED CALENDAR RAISES EYEBROWS
A leaked copy of Kyle’s appointment calendar shows entries such as “9:00 AM: Breakfast with Apple (bring soul to trade),” “2:30 PM: Compliment Jeff’s rocket,” and “8:00 PM: Practice saying ‘innovation’ without giggling.”
According to anonymous sources, Kyle’s office has been renovated to include stadium-style seating for tech executives and a special red phone with direct lines to Silicon Valley CEOs.
Professor Seymour Butts from the Institute of Corporate Political Manipulation notes, “In a totally scientific study we conducted, we found 97.3% of politicians who have weekly tech meetings end up with mysterious offshore accounts and inexplicable abilities to predict stock market movements.”
The investigation continues, though insiders report difficulty accessing records as all government computers have mysteriously begun running new operating systems that automatically delete emails containing the words “meeting,” “tech,” and “suspicious.”
At press time, Kyle was reportedly spotted practicing how to respond “Who’s that?” when asked about Tim Cook while simultaneously updating his LinkedIn profile to include “Future Tech Consultant (pending regulatory cooling-off period).”
