MILITARY UNVEILS MINDSCAPE APP: “IT’S LIKE TINDER, BUT FOR YOUR TRAUMATIC BRAIN INJURIES!”
Pentagon officials announced today a revolutionary new technology that will allow soldiers to swipe right on their own cognitive decline, transforming battlefield medicine into what one general described as “basically WebMD with machine guns.”
WHAT THE F@#K IS COGNITIVE READINESS ANYWAY?
Cognitive readiness, according to military experts, is your brain’s ability to not sh!t itself when things get real. After more than 500,000 service members were diagnosed with traumatic brain injuries since 2000, the military finally decided maybe, just possibly, they should check if soldiers’ brains still work before sending them back into combat.
“Current tests are about as effective as asking ‘How many fingers am I holding up?’ while the soldier bleeds from their ears,” admitted Christopher Smalt, researcher at MIT Lincoln Laboratory, who then whispered under his breath, “We’ve basically been using the same technology as those drinking bird toys.”
INTRODUCING READY: BECAUSE “BRAIN DAMAGED” IS SO LAST SEASON
The new smartphone app READY (Rapid Evaluation of Attention for DutY) promises to detect brain injuries in under 90 seconds, which coincidentally is exactly how long most military medical exams currently last.
The app works by measuring three key indicators: eye movement, balance, and the ability to hold a vowel at one pitch – essentially the same skills required to pass a DUI test after leaving an Applebee’s at 2 AM.
“READY stands for Rapid Evaluation of Attention for DutY, and absolutely NOT ‘Really Easy App Detecting Your-impending-neural-collapse,'” insisted Thomas Quatieri, who is definitely not compensating for something with that acronym.
VIRTUAL REALITY: BECAUSE REAL REALITY IS TOO TRAUMATIC
For soldiers who fail the initial screening, there’s MINDSCAPE – a virtual reality experience that’s like “Black Mirror” meets “Grey’s Anatomy” with a touch of “America’s Funniest Home Videos” thrown in.
“MINDSCAPE creates an immersive environment where we can precisely measure how f@#ked up your brain is,” explained Dr. Obvious Conclusion, chief neuroscientist we completely made up. “It’s basically the same technology we use to convince teenagers to join the military, just repurposed.”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN, PROBABLY WHILE HIGH
Professor Wanda Diagnose from the Institute of Pointing Out The Obvious praised the technology, noting, “After spending billions on ways to cause brain injuries, it’s refreshing to see the military spend a few million figuring out if they succeeded.”
The Pentagon claims the technology is 97.3% accurate, which is approximately 97.2% more accurate than their previous method of “asking if they remember their name and what year it is.”
COMMERCIAL APPLICATIONS: COMING SOON TO A LITTLE LEAGUE NEAR YOU
Military officials are already planning civilian applications, including sideline assessments at sporting events. “Imagine your 8-year-old gets tackled in peewee football,” said one developer. “Now instead of asking ‘you okay, champ?’ while ignoring the answer, coaches can use READY to scientifically determine if little Timmy’s brain is permanently damaged or just temporarily scrambled.”
According to completely fabricated statistics, approximately 83% of coaches are “super excited” to have technology that might prevent lawsuits 20 years down the road.
THE FINE PRINT: DON’T ASK, DON’T TELL YOUR COMMANDING OFFICER
Military brass remains confident that soldiers will honestly report their symptoms despite a culture that has historically treated brain injuries as “just a headache” and mental health concerns as “being a little b!tch.”
“We’re totally going to respect the results,” insisted General Hard Ass, adjusting his “SUCK IT UP” hat. “Unless we’re shorthanded for the next deployment. Or it’s Tuesday.”
In related news, EYEBOOM, another military health monitoring device, continues development despite confusion among troops who thought it was “some kind of explosive eyeball weapon, which honestly sounded way cooler.”
As one anonymous soldier put it: “So you’re telling me after I get blown up, instead of giving me an aspirin and sending me back to patrol, they’re going to make me play Fruit Ninja in VR goggles? The future is now, I guess.”
