MILLENNIALS OFFICIALLY F@#KED: GOVERNMENT EXPERT CONFIRMS YOUR LIFE WILL BE A FLAMING GARBAGE FIRE COMPARED TO YOUR PARENTS
In a shocking announcement that surprised absolutely no one under 40, Australia’s top productivity expert has confirmed what young people already knew: their lives are going to suck worse than a vacuum cleaner factory testing facility.
DREAMS OFFICIALLY CANCELLED
Danielle Wood, Chair of the Productivity Commission and Australia’s official Dream Crusher, announced Monday that young Australians can look forward to a future featuring lower wages, higher costs, and climate catastrophes that will make Mad Max look like a tourism advertisement.
“We’ve crunched the numbers, and I’m just going to be blunt here,” Wood reportedly said while nervously glancing at her retirement portfolio. “You’re completely f@#ked. Like, historically, monumentally f@#ked.”
AVOCADO TOAST NOT TO BLAME, EXPERTS REVEAL
According to Dr. Obvi Ouscrisis, a leading economist at the Institute for Telling You What You Already Know, the situation is dire but not because of young people’s spending habits.
“Our research shows that 97.8% of millennials could stop buying coffee today and still wouldn’t afford a house until the sun explodes,” said Ouscrisis. “The economic system is more rigged than a carnival game run by the mob.”
The productivity commission’s report indicates that wages have grown at the same rate as a garden snail racing through peanut butter, while housing costs have skyrocketed faster than a billionaire’s hobby rocket.
BOOMER RESPONSE SYSTEM ACTIVATED
Within minutes of the announcement, the National Boomer Response System activated automatically, generating thousands of comments about “participation trophies” and “when I was your age” narratives.
Harold Mansionowner, 68, told reporters from the deck of his third investment property, “These kids just don’t understand sacrifice. I had to work hard for three whole years to afford my first home which cost roughly what you’d pay for a sandwich today.”
GOVERNMENT PROPOSES BOLD SOLUTION: JUST STOP BEING POOR
Treasury officials have proposed a revolutionary solution to the crisis involving “having a growth mindset,” which experts translate as “pretending systemic problems don’t exist.”
“We’re committed to solving these issues with the bare minimum effort possible,” said Finance Minister Professor Idon Tcare. “We’ve allocated $4.50 and a half-eaten granola bar to address climate change, housing affordability, and wage stagnation.”
When pressed about why AI regulation was being limited while young people’s futures burned, the government spokesperson replied, “We need to ensure our silicon overlords have maximum freedom to replace all your jobs before they inevitably enslave us.”
SOLUTION: DIE EARLIER
According to a new economic model developed by the Productivity Commission, if young Australians simply adjusted their life expectancy expectations downward by approximately 40 years, satisfaction metrics would improve dramatically.
“The data clearly shows that if millennials and Gen Z just plan to die before experiencing the worst parts of climate collapse and economic inequality, their happiness levels would increase by up to 86%,” explained government statistician Dr. Emma Faked-Numbers.
As of press time, 94% of young Australians have reportedly updated their five-year plans to include “live in parents’ basement,” “subsist entirely on instant ramen,” and “develop crippling anxiety about the future,” which experts say is the most realistic retirement strategy available to them.
