MILLENNIAL MESSIAH MP PROMISES TAX OVERHAUL WILL MAGICALLY SOLVE EVERYTHING, INCLUDING YOUR DADDY ISSUES
Independent MP Allegra Spender emerged from the government’s economic circle jerk this week with news that will make millennials everywhere briefly look up from their avocado toast: tax reform is coming to save your pathetic lives.
EXPERT QUOTES PULLED DIRECTLY FROM HER A$$
“Tax reform is basically like Tinder for the economy,” explained Spender, who reportedly hasn’t paid for her own coffee since 2003. “We just need to swipe right on the right policies and suddenly young people will own homes and have retirement savings. It’s literally that simple.”
THE MIRACULOUS F@#KING THREE-POINT PLAN
According to Spender, Australia’s economic salvation requires three simple steps that experts are calling “hilariously optimistic” and “weapons-grade delusion.”
First, Labor must speed up housing approvals, because apparently the problem isn’t that houses cost seventeen billion dollars each, it’s that we need MORE of the unaffordable pieces of sh!t.
Second, we need to “shift the tax mix,” which is political speak for “make different people pay for stuff.” Economic analyst Professor Justin Credible explains: “This innovative approach involves taxing people who don’t donate to political campaigns while giving tax breaks to those who do. Revolutionary stuff.”
ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE: THE COMING TECHNOLOGICAL ORGASM
The third part of Spender’s master plan involves “responsibly embracing” artificial intelligence, which she dramatically referred to as a “freight train” coming for Australia.
“We need to hop aboard the AI freight train before it runs us the f@#k over,” Spender reportedly said while wearing what witnesses described as “unnecessarily expensive shoes.”
Dr. Chip Processor, head of the Institute for Stating the Bloody Obvious, told us: “What’s brilliant about politicians discussing AI is that 97.8% of them still use their index finger to type and think ‘the cloud’ is where rain comes from.”
POLL: 89% OF YOUNG AUSTRALIANS WOULD RATHER HAVE ACTUAL HOMES THAN TAX REFORM
When asked how tax reform would specifically help young Australians afford homes that cost 23 times their annual salary, Spender reportedly stared blankly for seven minutes before whispering, “Something something negative gearing?”
Meanwhile, a survey found that 89% of young Australians would rather politicians just build some goddamn affordable housing instead of spending another decade discussing tax policy while property prices triple again.
AND NOW, THE SOLUTION TO EVERYTHING
In a stunning conclusion that left economists wetting themselves with excitement, Spender revealed her groundbreaking plan to fix everything: talk about fixing everything.
“The key is to keep having roundtables where we discuss solutions without implementing any,” said political strategist Warren Pointless. “Studies show that each discussion panel increases economic optimism by 0.002% while accomplishing absolutely f@#k all.”
As the freight train of artificial intelligence bears down on Australia’s economy, young people can rest easy knowing that tax reform will definitely solve everything just in time for them to afford nursing homes for their retirement.
