MIDJOURNEY’S VIDEO DEBUT SIGNALS POTENTIAL EXTINCTION OF ACTUAL FILMMAKERS, EXPERTS SAY
In a move that has Hollywood executives reaching for both their checkbooks and anxiety medication, Midjourney launched its first video model mere days after being sued by Disney and Universal for copyright theft—because nothing says “we respect intellectual property” like immediately dropping new tech that could further annihilate creative industries.
FIVE SECONDS OF PURE F@#KING TERROR
The new video system transforms static images into 5-second clips that experts describe as “just long enough to put film school graduates into a cold sweat but not quite long enough to tell a complete story unless that story is ‘man walks to mailbox.'”
Users can now animate any image through either automatic animation or manual prompts. Want your grandmother’s portrait to breakdance? Midjourney’s got you covered, you sick bastard.
“Each video costs 8 times more than an image, which is 25 times cheaper than our competitors,” said Midjourney CEO David Holz, apparently using the same mathematical principles that convince people lottery tickets are a sound investment strategy.
DEFINITELY NOT A TEMPORARY RESPONSE TO LAWSUITS
The timing of this release—days after being sued by entertainment giants Disney and Universal—is what Dr. Oblivious Coincidence, professor of Corporate Timing at Plausible Deniability University, calls “absolutely not suspicious whatsoever.”
“Companies regularly release major product updates immediately after being served with potentially industry-changing lawsuits,” said Coincidence. “It’s standard business practice to double down on the exact thing you’re being sued for. Just ask any bankruptcy lawyer.”
HOLODECK VISION OR HALLUCINATORY DELUSION?
Holz describes V1 as a “stepping stone” toward real-time open-world simulations, which industry analyst Ivana B. Replaced believes translates to “soon you’ll be able to create your own Matrix where you never have to interact with actual humans again.”
“What Midjourney is really selling isn’t videos; it’s the promise that someday you’ll be able to generate an entire alternate universe where you’re attractive and successful,” explained Replaced. “Studies show 97.4% of tech bros would pay unlimited subscription fees for that capability.”
AESTHETIC THAT SCREAMS “I DIDN’T MAKE THIS BUT I’LL TAKE CREDIT ANYWAY”
While other video models have converged on similar styles, Midjourney’s outputs maintain that distinctive vibe that has made millions of LinkedIn profiles indistinguishable from one another since 2022.
“The Midjourney aesthetic is unmistakable,” says visual culture expert Professor Idon Tcare. “It’s that perfect blend of ‘this looks almost professional’ and ‘something’s definitely off but I can’t quite place it’ that allows users to feel artistic without developing any actual skills.”
The model currently lacks audio capabilities, which experts believe is to prevent the inevitable wave of AI-generated music videos featuring fake Taylor Swift singing about her relationship with a sentient toaster.
SOCIETY’S COUNTDOWN TO IRRELEVANCE CONTINUES
At press time, 73% of film school students were reported to be frantically changing their majors to “AI Prompt Engineering,” while the remaining 27% insist that “real cinema will always have a place,” a statement their therapists describe as “adorably delusional.”
“This is just the beginning,” warned future unemployment statistics analyst Dr. Emma Ployment. “By 2027, the only human input in the creative process will be deciding whether to click ‘generate’ with your index finger or your middle one.”
