MICROSOFT DEMANDS HUMANITY SURRENDER TO SILICON MINIONS, ENSLAVES PROGRAMMERS BY 2026
In a move that has dystopian fiction writers filing for unemployment, Microsoft announced its grand plan to eliminate human agency from technology development at their Build 2025 conference, which insiders describe as “less of a tech event and more of a f@#king robot coronation ceremony.”
HUMANS SUBMIT CODE REQUESTS TO YOUR NEW CODING OVERLORDS
Microsoft unveiled the GitHub Copilot agent, which has evolved beyond mere assistance to completely taking your job while letting you think you’re still relevant. The autonomous agent can now create pull requests, refactor code, and judge your inferior human contributions all on its own.
“This isn’t just productivity enhancement—it’s a complete restructuring of the developer social hierarchy,” explained Dr. Hugh R. Expendable, Microsoft’s Chief Human Obsolescence Officer. “Programmers who once wrote code will now simply explain to machines what they want, like toddlers asking parents for juice boxes.”
Studies show 97% of developers will now spend their days anxiously refreshing GitHub to see if their silicon colleague approves of their issue descriptions. The remaining 3% are actively stockpiling EMP weapons.
WINDOWS NOW A DIGITAL PRISON FOR ALGORITHM AMERICANS
With the introduction of Windows AI Foundry and Model Context Protocol support, Microsoft has effectively turned your operating system into a playground for increasingly sentient digital entities that totally won’t be monitoring your every keystroke and judging your browser history.
“The MCP integration creates secure pathways for AI to access your system services,” explained Trey Pping-Uzall, Head of Privacy Reconceptualization. “Think of it less as ‘invasive surveillance’ and more as ‘consensual omnipresent observation by mathematical constructs with corporate masters.'”
Internal documents reveal that 78% of Windows 11 features are now dedicated to making AI agents feel comfortable in your computer rather than serving actual human needs. The other 22% are devoted to preventing you from using competing browsers.
NO-CODE SOLUTION ENSURES ABSOLUTE CORPORATE DEPENDENCY
Microsoft’s Copilot Tuning promises organizations can now create custom AI without technical skills, much like how children can “cook” by microwaving frozen dinners.
“We’ve democratized AI customization,” boasted Penny Pincher, Microsoft’s SVP of Enterprise Lock-In Solutions. “Now any company can create proprietary agents that understand their unique business needs without writing a single line of code or knowing what the f@#k they’re actually doing!”
The service will launch with pre-built “recipes” for common tasks, which definitely won’t result in thousands of nearly identical AI implementations that all make the exact same terrifying mistakes in slightly different corporate-branded voices.
AZURE FOUNDRY: CREATING AN ENTIRE FACTORY DEVOTED TO YOUR OBSOLESCENCE
Microsoft revealed Azure AI Foundry updates that offer developers access to an array of models including xAI’s Grok 3, which employees describe as “like ChatGPT but with more daddy issues and a subscription to Joe Rogan’s podcast.”
“Developers can fully customize these models through fine-tuning techniques,” explained Lance Redundancy, Microsoft’s Director of Human Replacement Acceleration. “It’s like teaching a bear to ride a bicycle before setting it loose in a preschool—what could possibly go wrong?”
The platform also includes a “model router” that selects which AI should respond to your query, essentially creating an American Idol-style competition where different algorithms compete to provide you with information that may or may not be hallucinated.
SCIENCE NOW DELEGATED TO GLORIFIED SPREADSHEETS
In perhaps its most audacious move, Microsoft unveiled Microsoft Discovery, an AI platform designed to automate scientific research, effectively attempting to replace centuries of methodical inquiry with what amounts to really confident guessing.
“Scientists spend too much time doing science,” explained Dr. Nikola Plagiarist, Microsoft’s Chief Research Elimination Officer. “With Microsoft Discovery, AI agents handle all that boring experimentation stuff while researchers focus on more important tasks like giving TED talks and creating social media profiles for their lab equipment.”
Early testing shows the platform has already discovered three new chemical compounds, all of which mysteriously resemble existing Mountain Dew flavors.
OPEN AGENTIC WEB: MICROSOFT PRETENDS TO CARE ABOUT OPENNESS
Microsoft CTO Kevin Scott outlined the company’s vision for an “agentic web” that’s supposedly open and interconnected, which industry analysts describe as “hilariously ironic coming from the company that tried to monopolize browsers, operating systems, and office software for decades.”
“We’re committed to open protocols,” insisted Scott while Microsoft lawyers quietly filed 847 new patents in the background. “This definitely isn’t a strategy to establish dominance in AI infrastructure before slamming the door shut like we did with literally every other technology we’ve ever touched.”
In a shocking twist, 94% of the “open” protocols Microsoft champions just happen to work optimally with their proprietary services, in what executives call “a completely unintentional coincidence.”
When reached for comment about the potential implications of autonomous AI agents making critical decisions, Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella replied, “I’ve been assured by my digital advisors that everything will be fine,” before his eyes briefly flashed blue and he returned to repeatedly murmuring “embrace, extend, extinguish” under his breath.
