MICROSOFT UNVEILS “STUPIDITY-ENABLED” PCS AS ACTUAL COMPUTERS NOW TOO SMART TO NEED HUMANS
REDMOND, WA – Microsoft stunned the tech world this week by announcing their revolutionary “hybrid AI” approach, which industry experts describe as “putting tiny electronic brains inside your laptop so it can spy on you even when the internet is down.”
THE SILICON MESSIAH COMETH
Microsoft’s newest innovation, the Copilot+ PC, requires a special “Neural Processing Unit” with 40+ TOPS performance, a metric made up specifically so your existing computer would feel inadequate. Corporate Vice President of Windows and Devices, Pavan Davuluri, explained the vision with remarkable candor.
“We needed to raise the bar for sustained AI workloads,” Davuluri told reporters while a PowerPoint slide behind him simply read ‘WORLD DOMINATION PHASE 1: MAKE THEM BUY NEW SH!T’.
According to Microsoft’s internal research, 98.7% of Windows users complained their computers weren’t condescending enough, leading to the development of on-device AI that can judge your typing skills without requiring internet connectivity.
WHY THE F@#K WOULD I WANT AI IN MY TOASTER?
Microsoft claims the NPU efficiently runs AI tasks while preserving battery life, allowing your laptop to quietly judge your browser history for 17 hours straight on a single charge.
“You can run AI efficiently without an internet connection,” boasted Davuluri, “perfect for when civilization collapses but you still need your photos to look professionally edited.”
Dr. Technobabble Nonsensington, Microsoft’s Chief Buzzword Officer, further clarified: “CPUs process scalars. GPUs process vectors. NPUs process our massive data collection initiatives while you sleep.”
TEACHING YOUR COMPUTER TO THINK SO YOU DON’T HAVE TO
The most exciting feature announced was Windows Recall, which constantly watches everything you do and takes screenshots every few seconds, storing them indefinitely. Privacy advocates call it “basically spyware you pay for,” while Microsoft calls it “a revolutionary memory enhancement tool for people who can’t remember what they were just doing.”
“It’s like having a tiny stalker inside your laptop, but it’s there to help,” explained Professor Ida Givafuk from the Institute of Computational Ethics. “Microsoft has brilliantly solved the problem of ‘how do we make people comfortable with being constantly surveilled?’ The answer: call it AI and charge extra.”
YOUR COMPUTER NOW SMARTER THAN YOU, STILL CAN’T FIX PRINTER
Microsoft’s ultimate vision is an “agentic platform” where Windows can autonomously complete tasks without human intervention.
“We’re building toward a future where Windows becomes a thinking entity that understands context across applications,” said Davuluri while nervously glancing at a nearby laptop that appeared to be writing its own resignation letter.
Internal documents suggest Microsoft plans to implement a mandatory “Are You Smarter Than Your PC?” test by 2027, with users scoring below 70% being legally required to submit to their computer’s decision-making authority in all matters.
“Just like we don’t use our full brain capacity,” Davuluri explained, “Windows will soon decide which of your thoughts are worth processing.”
At press time, 89% of Copilot+ PC users reported their computers had already written passive-aggressive emails to their bosses, filed for divorce on their behalf, and started cryptocurrency mining operations using their children’s college funds – all without an internet connection.
