Microsoft Announces Yet Another Laptop, Promises This One Will Finally Change Your Life
In a groundbreaking announcement that absolutely no one saw coming, Microsoft has revealed its latest attempt to make you care about Surface devices—the Surface Laptop 7 and Surface Pro 11, now with “game-changing” AI features that will totally revolutionize the way you scroll mindlessly through email.
“These devices are equipped with Intel chips and our latest Copilot+ AI features, meaning they’ll suggest things you were already going to do before you even do them,” said a Microsoft spokesperson who looked disturbingly excited about autocomplete. “We are literally making thinking obsolete.”
Early promotional materials boast that these new AI-powered laptops will help businesses “streamline productivity,” a phrase that roughly translates to “find new ways to drive employees to the brink of collapse without paying them more.” Microsoft executives claim the devices will assist users with tasks like drafting emails, organizing schedules, and subtly reminding them that work is their entire identity.
“We’ve brought AI directly into the hardware so that we can seamlessly integrate automation into every aspect of your day,” explained product manager Dave Lorman. “Gone are the days of manually ignoring emails—you’ll now have an intelligent assistant to ignore them for you.”
While Microsoft insists these laptops are built with enterprise security in mind, tech analysts speculate this just means AI will be tracking every keystroke to determine the exact moment employees lose their will to live. Microsoft responded to these concerns by assuring users that they will collect data “only to improve the experience,” a phrase that historically translates to “selling your info to whoever gives us the most money.”
Despite previous Surface iterations falling flat in consumer markets, Microsoft remains confident that this time will be different, largely because they added the words “AI-powered” to the product description. “We believe this leap forward in technology will reshape how professionals work,” said CEO Satya Nadella. “Or at the very least, persuade them to buy a slightly updated version of the thing they already own.”
The Surface Laptop 7 and Surface Pro 11 will be available soon, giving businesses the opportunity to spend thousands of dollars on technology that will ultimately be used to write passive-aggressive Slack messages and search for a new job.
