MICROSOFT HARVESTS ACTUAL SUN TO FEED POWER-HUNGRY AI BRAIN CHILDREN
In a move that has local astronomers checking their telescopes for missing solar mass, Microsoft announced plans to literally suck energy directly from our nearest star to feed the insatiable appetite of its digital thought monsters.
STAR-EATING CORPORATION CLAIMS “JUST A NIBBLE” OF SOLAR SYSTEM’S ONLY HEAT SOURCE
The tech giant revealed a partnership with energy provider AES to construct three massive “sun-sucking arrays” across the Midwest, capable of extracting 475 megawatts of power from the celestial body that makes all life on Earth possible.
“We’ve done the calculations and we’re fairly confident this won’t cause the sun to burn out for at least another 4.5 billion years, give or take a century,” said Chip Processor, Microsoft’s Chief Electricity Acquisition Officer. “Besides, our silicon brain babies need their num-nums to grow big and strong.”
MIDWESTERNERS PREPARE FOR ARTIFICIAL NIGHT AS PANELS BLOCK ALL NATURAL LIGHT
Local farmers are reportedly concerned that the panels, which will cover approximately 97% of three states, might interfere with trivial matters like “crop growth” and “basic photosynthesis.”
“Who needs corn when you’ve got ChatGPT writing haikus about corn?” asked Dr. Priorities Str8, Microsoft’s agricultural impact minimization specialist. “Studies show people can survive on AI-generated food descriptions for up to five minutes.”
COMPANY INSISTS THREE-STATE SOLAR FARM “ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY” FOR CRUCIAL AI FUNCTIONS
When questioned about the necessity of such massive energy consumption, Microsoft representatives explained that the power is needed for vital AI applications including “determining which puppy photos are cutest,” “generating infinite variations of Garfield comics,” and “calculating how many angels can dance on the head of a pin to 17 decimal places.”
“Look, these digital brainboxes require TREMENDOUS power,” explained Professor Watts Thepoint, an expert in pointlessly complex computing tasks. “How else will we solve humanity’s greatest challenge: allowing people to write emails slightly faster?”
A recent study by the Completely Made Up Research Institute indicates that 89% of AI computing power is currently dedicated to generating images of dragons wearing business casual attire, while another 11% works tirelessly to decide whether “yanny” or “laurel” is correct.
EXPERTS PREDICT AI COMPUTING DEMANDS WILL CONSUME 173% OF ALL ENERGY BY 2026
Energy analysts predict that at current growth rates, AI computing demands will somehow exceed the total energy output of the entire planet by mid-decade, requiring the construction of additional suns or possibly harnessing the power of black holes.
“We’ve already got plans to build a Dyson sphere around Alpha Centauri,” revealed Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella while nervously mopping his brow with $100 bills. “If we don’t feed the algorithms, they get cranky and start generating passive-aggressive responses.”
At press time, Microsoft was reportedly in talks with NASA about the possibility of “just moving Earth a little closer to the sun” to increase solar efficiency, assuring stakeholders that the resulting climate apocalypse would be “worth it” to ensure their digital assistants can continue suggesting slightly better email subject lines.
