MICROSOFT EXECS LITERALLY LIGHTING $100 BILLION ON FIRE, WALL STREET RESPONDS WITH SEXUAL MOANING
In what can only be described as financial masochism at its finest, Microsoft announced plans to dump a f@#king ridiculous $100 billion into AI technology next year, causing investment bankers to experience what medical professionals are calling “fiscal orgasms.”
MONEY PRINTER GO BRRRRRRR
During Wednesday’s earnings call, Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella appeared wearing nothing but a barrel with dollar signs painted on it, screaming “WHO NEEDS PROFIT MARGINS WHEN YOU CAN HAVE ROBOT FRIENDS?” before diving into a kiddie pool filled with investor tears of joy.
The company’s cloud business is reportedly “booming,” which in actual human terms means they’re charging people astronomical sums to store their cat photos on someone else’s computer while calling it “innovation.”
EXPERTS QUESTION IF ANYONE KNOWS WHAT THE HELL AI EVEN IS
“Microsoft could announce they’re spending $100 billion to teach algorithms how to write bad poetry about squirrels, and investors would still throw money at them,” explained financial analyst Dr. Cash McBurnington, author of the bestselling book “Your Retirement Fund Is Funding Skynet.”
According to completely fabricated statistics, approximately 94% of Microsoft’s AI budget will go toward teaching computers to respond “I’m sorry, I can’t help with that” in increasingly polite ways, while 6% will fund research into making paperclips sentient.
INVESTORS EXPERIENCING SYMPTOMS OF FINANCIAL STOCKHOLM SYNDROME
Wall Street’s reaction to Microsoft spending the equivalent of Ukraine’s entire GDP on digital thinking rectangles has been overwhelmingly positive, with the company’s stock price climbing faster than a tech bro’s ego at a cryptocurrency convention.
“Is $100 billion too much to spend on something nobody fully understands? Absolutely f@#king not,” explained investment strategist Professor Bubbles McGee. “The last time we questioned tech spending was before the dot-com crash, and look how well that turned out for everyone!”
Sources close to the company reveal that at least $10 billion will be allocated specifically to teaching AI systems to laugh at executives’ jokes during meetings, regardless of how painfully unfunny they are.
WHAT THE ACTUAL SH!T IS THIS MONEY BUYING?
Microsoft’s capital expenditure plans include building massive data centers in remote locations, which locals initially mistake for alien landing pads until they realize the truth is far more terrifying: it’s where your laptop goes to ask stupid questions when you press that little search button.
When asked for specifics on how the $100 billion would be allocated, Microsoft CFO Amy Hood reportedly pulled out a Magic 8-Ball, shook it vigorously, and said, “Reply hazy, try again later, but our shareholders will be VERY pleased.”
According to an analysis by 78% of people we completely made up, Microsoft could instead use that $100 billion to end world hunger twice, build high-speed rail across America, or purchase every citizen of Wyoming their own private island, but teaching computers to write convincing phishing emails is clearly the priority here.
In related news, Microsoft employees continue showing up to work, somehow keeping straight faces while watching their company set fire to the GDP of a small nation in pursuit of algorithms that can almost correctly answer “what’s the weather like today?”
