MICROSOFT UNVEILS “SNOOPWARE WEB” TO SPY ON USERS EVEN WHEN THEY’RE TAKING A SH!T
In what can only be described as tech’s most elaborate stalking operation yet, Microsoft has unveiled its vision for an “open agentic web” – corporate speak for “we’re putting little digital creeps in every corner of your online life.”
THE DIGITAL PEEPING TOM NETWORK GOES LIVE
During the company’s Build 2025 event, CEO Satya Nadella announced with a straight face that Microsoft would soon deploy an army of algorithm spies disguised as “helpful assistants” that will follow you everywhere online like that ex who just can’t take a hint.
“We’re not just talking about having an assistant in your code editor,” explained Dr. Ivana Watchyou, Microsoft’s Chief Privacy Elimination Officer. “We’re talking about having our digital minions in your browser, your documents, your bathroom mirror, and possibly even that weird dream you had last night.”
The company revealed GitHub Copilot can now work “asynchronously,” which experts confirm is tech jargon for “it’ll be coding while you sleep and gradually making itself the primary developer on your project.”
SCIENCE NERDS CELEBRATE AS AI PROMISES TO DO ALL THEIR WORK
In a related announcement that has PhDs questioning their life choices, Microsoft unveiled “Discovery” – a platform that claims to compress years of scientific research into hours, essentially making scientists about as necessary as a screen door on a submarine.
“We created a coolant prototype in 200 hours that would normally take years,” boasted Microsoft researcher Dr. Obsoleting Humans. “Next week we’re planning to solve cancer during our lunch break, and tackle fusion energy right after the 3 PM coffee run.”
A survey of research scientists revealed that 87% are now contemplating career changes to fields “less likely to be replaced by a f@#king chatbot,” with popular alternatives including interpretive dance and professional complaining.
HEADPHONES THAT TRANSLATE CONVERSATIONS WILL RUIN YOUR LAST EXCUSE FOR AVOIDING BORING PEOPLE
Meanwhile, University of Washington researchers have developed AI headphones that can translate multiple languages simultaneously while preserving speaker location and voice characteristics.
“We’ve finally eliminated the last barrier to having to talk to absolutely everyone,” explained lead researcher Professor Misanthropy Destroyer. “Now when you’re traveling abroad and pretending not to understand that guy telling you his entire life story, these headphones will betray you completely.”
Early testers report the technology works with “terrifying accuracy,” with a 2-4 second delay that users described as “just enough time to realize you’re trapped in a conversation you can’t escape.”
PHOTOS COMING TO LIFE BECAUSE GOD FORBID ANYTHING STAYS STILL ANYMORE
As if we haven’t been cursed enough, HeyGen has released Avatar IV, allowing anyone to transform static photos into talking videos – because apparently, the world needed another way for your high school acquaintances to annoy you on social media.
“People kept telling us they missed the good old days when photos just sat there quietly,” said HeyGen CEO Makesit Worse. “So naturally, we created technology to ensure that literally nothing can remain peaceful and silent anymore.”
The company reports that 76% of early adopters are using the technology exclusively to make their exes say embarrassing things, while the remaining 24% are creating videos of their pets delivering existential philosophy lectures.
EXPERTS WARN TECH GIANTS ACTUALLY CONSTRUCTING DIGITAL PANOPTICON, EVERYONE TOO DISTRACTED BY SHINY FEATURES TO NOTICE
As Microsoft, Google, and OpenAI compete to see who can most thoroughly monitor every aspect of human existence, privacy advocates are raising alarms that have been thoroughly drowned out by cool demos.
“They’re literally building infrastructure to track and analyze every digital interaction you have,” warned Dr. Cassandra Warning, who nobody is listening to. “But hey, look, the AI can make your PowerPoint prettier!”
When asked if users should be concerned about the implications of surrendering all human agency to silicon-based thinking rectangles, Microsoft’s Nadella reportedly smiled and said, “Just think of it as having a really helpful stalker! Now, who wants to see a demo of an AI that can predict what you’ll have for breakfast tomorrow?”
In a final disturbing note, 94% of users surveyed said they would “absolutely sacrifice whatever’s left of their privacy” if it meant they could talk to their photos and have their headphones translate conversations they never wanted to have in the first place.
