Microsoft Heroically Protects Users by Removing the Only Free Security Feature They Had
In a bold move to streamline customer disappointment, Microsoft announced that it will be removing the free VPN feature built into Windows Defender, effective February 28. The decision comes as part of the company’s ongoing mission to ensure that users receive the absolute minimum protection possible—unless, of course, they’re willing to cough up extra cash.
“We’re always listening to customer feedback, and we’ve heard loud and clear what they want,” said a Microsoft spokesperson who definitely has never read a customer complaint in their life. “That’s why we’ve decided to remove this convenient, cost-free security tool and instead focus on making users pay for premium features that they previously enjoyed for free.”
The feature, which allowed users to browse the web with a basic level of encryption, will be ceremoniously assassinated in order to “better align” with Microsoft’s priorities—those priorities being, naturally, finding new ways to milk people dry while doing the absolute least.
Cybersecurity experts have sounded the alarm, warning that the removal of the VPN leaves Windows users even more susceptible to hackers, government surveillance, and their own terrible search histories. “Seriously, why is Microsoft like this?” asked one frustrated tech analyst. “It’s like they see people enjoying a useful feature and immediately go, ‘No, take that away and make them suffer.’”
In response to user concerns, Microsoft has assured customers that they are actively working on “new and exciting ways” to monetize what was once free. One rumored replacement: Microsoft Defender UltraSecure™, a revolutionary new VPN service that offers the same protections but for the low, low price of $9.99 a month. When asked for comment on this potential new initiative, a Microsoft representative shrugged and said, “Well yeah, why give something away for free when you can charge for it?”
For those who will miss having a free VPN baked into Windows, Microsoft recommends using Edge’s built-in VPN—which, in an absolute shock to nobody, also has a ridiculous usage cap unless you sign up for a Microsoft account and hand over even more personal data.
As Feb. 28 approaches, Windows users are advised to brace themselves for yet another round of unnecessary changes, confusing product names, and a general feeling of despair whenever they open Settings.
