MICROSOFT STEALS GOOGLE’S BRAIN WIZARDS, PROMISES “FEWER PAPERCLIP ASSISTANTS”
In a move that experts are calling “corporate kidnapping with stock options,” Microsoft has snatched a gaggle of Google DeepMind’s smartest nerds to work on Copilot, apparently because one tech monopoly’s AI talent wasn’t enough.
SILICON VALLEY TALENT WARS ESCALATE TO “HUNGER GAMES” LEVELS
Mustafa Suleyman, Microsoft’s AI overlord who definitely doesn’t have a volcano lair, has reportedly been driving around Google’s campus in a windowless van offering free candy and unlimited computing resources to lure unsuspecting AI researchers.
“I’m just following Meta’s proven strategy of talent acquisition,” Suleyman explained while stroking a white cat. “First you identify the smartest people at your competitors, then you back up a dump truck full of money to their houses until they can’t see their families anymore.”
Industry analyst Dr. Warren Buffering notes that Microsoft’s strategy is “subtly different” from traditional hiring. “Most companies post job listings. Microsoft just points a giant money cannon at people until they submit their resignation letters.”
THE GREAT NERD HEIST OF 2023
According to sources who wished to remain anonymous because they’re “not f@#king stupid,” Microsoft has promised the poached researchers unlimited snacks, private bathrooms, and the godlike power to make Clippy return in the form of their choosing.
“We’re offering them the chance to build something truly revolutionary,” explained Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella. “By which I mean something Google was already building but we’ll slap our logo on it and integrate it with Excel somehow.”
EXPERTS QUESTION IF RESEARCHERS KNOW WHAT THEY’RE GETTING INTO
Dr. Ima Skeptical, professor of Tech Psychotherapy at the University of Common Sense, expressed concerns about the researchers’ mental health. “These people are going from a company whose motto was ‘Don’t be evil’ to one whose internal motto is ‘Have you tried restarting your computer?’ The cognitive dissonance alone could be devastating.”
A recent study by the Make-Believe Institute of Technology suggests that 87% of AI researchers who switch companies spend the first three months just trying to figure out how to set up their email signature.
When reached for comment, Google responded with a statement reading: “We wish our former colleagues well and look forward to acquiring whatever startup they form after inevitably leaving Microsoft in 18 months.”
ONE RESEARCHER’S HEARTBREAKING STORY
“I was just getting coffee when someone whispered ‘Azure credits’ in my ear, and I woke up in Redmond wearing a Microsoft lanyard,” said former DeepMind researcher Dr. Sarah Algorithms. “The worst part is I’m now contractually obligated to use Bing.”
At press time, Apple was reportedly planning to one-up Microsoft by kidnapping the entire OpenAI cafeteria staff, because “at this point, good lunch options are more valuable than actual AI expertise.”
