SILICON VALLEY GIANT ANNOUNCES “PATCH TUESDAY,” ADMITS THEIR COMPUTERS ARE BASICALLY HELD TOGETHER WITH DUCT TAPE AND PRAYER
Microsoft, the trillion-dollar tech behemoth whose products crash more frequently than drunk drivers at a demolition derby, released over 100 updates yesterday in what insiders are calling “just another f@#king Tuesday.”
COMPANY FIXES “EXTREMELY HIGH-RISK” FLAW THAT LITERALLY ANYONE COULD HAVE EXPLOITED
The crown jewel of this month’s digital dumpster fire is CVE-2025-50165, described by Microsoft as an “extremely high-risk memory corruption flaw.” Translation: their computers have been forgetting important sh!t like “don’t let random internet people control your entire system.”
“This vulnerability is so severe that hackers could potentially execute code over the network just by sending your computer a particularly sassy emoji,” explained Dr. Hugh G. Problem, Microsoft’s Chief Vulnerability Minimizer. “But don’t worry, we’ve known about it for months and are just getting around to fixing it now.”
AZURE OPENAI SERVICE PATCHES REVEAL COMPANY’S “OOPSIE DAISY” APPROACH TO SECURITY
The updates also included several fixes for Microsoft’s Azure OpenAI Service, their premium offering that allows businesses to pay extraordinary sums of money for an AI that occasionally hallucinates that Finland doesn’t exist.
“These AI systems are absolutely secure, unless you count the 47 different ways they could be compromised before today’s patch,” said Professor Ivanna Hackyu, an independent security researcher. “Microsoft’s approach to cybersecurity is basically equivalent to leaving your house keys under a doormat that says ‘KEYS DEFINITELY NOT HERE’ while a neon arrow points directly at it.”
STATISTICS SHOW 99.8% OF USERS JUST CLICK “REMIND ME LATER” ANYWAY
According to a completely legitimate study we just made up, nearly all Microsoft users will ignore these critical patches until their computers are already infected with malware that’s using their processing power to mine cryptocurrency and send erotic poetry to their business contacts.
Corporate IT departments nationwide are reportedly stockpiling antacids and whiskey in preparation for the inevitable chaos when employees return from lunch to find their computers forcibly restarting 17 seconds before they were about to save important documents.
EXPERTS PREDICT NEXT MONTH’S PATCHES WILL FIX PROBLEMS CREATED BY THIS MONTH’S PATCHES
“It’s a beautiful circle of life,” explained Chip Malfunction, Microsoft’s VP of Perpetual Problems. “We fix one thing, break three others, then fix those next month. It’s job security at its finest.”
At press time, Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella was reportedly too busy counting money to comment on whether the company plans to ever release software that doesn’t require immediate life-saving surgery upon arrival, but sources close to the executive say he muttered something about “legacy code” before diving Scrooge McDuck-style into a vault of Windows 11 license fees.
