MICROSOFT AND OPENAI’S “FRIENDSHIP” REACHES “MURDER-SUICIDE PACT” STAGE
Tech’s Most Toxic Relationship Finally Admits They’re Just Staying Together For The Billions
REDMOND, WA — What started as AI’s most promising power couple has devolved into the digital equivalent of a daytime soap opera, with OpenAI reportedly considering the “nuclear option” of filing antitrust complaints against its sugar daddy Microsoft after months of passive-aggressive refrigerator notes and leaving the computational toilet seat up.
DIVORCE LAWYERS RUBBING HANDS TOGETHER SO FAST THEY’VE CREATED FUSION ENERGY
Sources close to the partnership reveal tensions have reached what industry experts call “wealthy couple fighting at Thanksgiving dinner” levels, with disputes over everything from compute access to IP rights to whether Sam Altman properly recycles.
“It’s beyond a boiling point,” said Dr. Sheila Obvioustein, relationship therapist specializing in corporate partnerships. “We’re talking molten-f@#king-lava territory here. When your breakthrough conversation involves the phrase ‘antitrust complaint,’ that’s relationship code for ‘I’ve already moved my sh!t into a storage unit.'”
The latest fight reportedly erupted over OpenAI’s $3 billion acquisition of Windsurf, with OpenAI wanting to keep the intellectual property to itself because Microsoft’s GitHub Copilot is “seeing other models on the side.”
MICROSOFT EXECUTIVES REACT BY CRYING INTO PILES OF MONEY
Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella, reached for comment while aggressively stress-watering his office plants, insisted everything was “totally fine” while his eye twitched uncontrollably. “We value our relationship with OpenAI exactly the way it is: completely unbalanced and financially exploitative,” Nadella said. “It’s called ‘partnership goals,’ look it up.”
OpenAI has already started seeing other tech giants behind Microsoft’s back, recently announcing a cloud computing arrangement with Google that insiders describe as “the AI equivalent of downloading Tinder while your spouse is in the shower.”
COUPLES COUNSELORS RECOMMEND SEPARATING THEIR CLOUD ASSETS
Tech analyst Trent Nerdman of investment firm Money McStockington calls the deterioration “unprecedented in tech partnership history,” noting that 87.4% of all marriages have better communication than these two companies.
“What we’re witnessing is basically two entities who’ve realized they accidentally handcuffed themselves together right before entering a marathon,” Nerdman explained. “And now one of them really has to pee, but the other one wants to keep running.”
Experts note that either party initiating a legal “nuclear option” would be a significant escalation from the companies’ current strategy of “just being really passive-aggressive in press releases.”
LEAKED MESSAGES SHOW ALTMAN LEAVING MICROSOFT ON READ
Former employees report the companies haven’t been on speaking terms since May, communicating exclusively through their lawyers and occasionally leaving Post-it notes on shared AWS servers reading “YOUR ALGORITHM MAKES YOUR BUTT LOOK BIG” and “SORRY I DIDN’T TEXT BACK, I WAS BUSY REVOLUTIONIZING HUMANITY WITHOUT YOU.”
When asked if the partnership could be salvaged, Professor Harold Cynicism of the Institute for Doomed Business Relationships laughed for approximately 47 seconds before responding: “Sure, in the same way the Titanic’s relationship with that iceberg could have been salvaged with couples therapy and a good steering wheel.”
At press time, OpenAI was reportedly changing all its passwords and asking mutual friends like Apple and Meta to “please don’t invite both of us to the same industry conferences, it’s just too awkward.”
