TECH TITANS ENGAGE IN BILLION-DOLLAR COUPLES THERAPY WHILE POPE WATCHES DISAPPROVINGLY

Microsoft and OpenAI Enter “Who Gets the Kids and House” Phase of Relationship as Revenue Split Turns Bitter

CORPORATE DIVORCE PROCEEDINGS UNDERWAY

In what industry experts are calling “the messiest tech breakup since Steve Jobs got fired from his own damn company,” Microsoft and OpenAI have entered high-stakes negotiations to redefine their increasingly frosty partnership that once drove the AI revolution but now resembles your parents fighting in a Denny’s parking lot.

OpenAI, apparently forgetting who bankrolled their entire f@#king existence, is pushing to slash Microsoft’s revenue share from 20% to a measly 10% by 2030, while Microsoft, the spurned sugar daddy of artificial intelligence, desperately clings to guaranteed access to OpenAI’s tech beyond their contract expiration.

“This is like watching someone who borrowed $13 billion from you suddenly decide they’re too good for you,” explained Dr. Obvious Cashflow, professor of Corporate Ungrateful Bastard Studies at the University of Backstabbing. “It’s the classic ‘I made it big so now I’m leaving you for someone hotter’ move, except with algorithms instead of abs.”

Sources close to the negotiations report that Microsoft executives have been seen ugly-crying in bathroom stalls while scrolling through old photos of Sam Altman and Satya Nadella hugging at press conferences.

RELATIONSHIP STATUS: IT’S COMPLICATED

The once-cozy relationship has reportedly turned glacial as OpenAI courts agreements with Microsoft’s direct competitors, targeting the same enterprise customers, and generally acting like they didn’t just take $13 BILLION of Microsoft’s money.

“Microsoft is basically that friend who funded your startup and now you’re avoiding their calls,” said relationship counselor Dr. Idon Tcare. “It’s like OpenAI got Microsoft’s name tattooed on their ass and is now asking for laser removal while Microsoft pays for the procedure.”

An anonymous Microsoft board member told AI Antics: “We feel like we’ve been ghosted by the child we raised. We’re texting ‘u up?’ and they’re responding with ‘new phone who dis?'”

POPE WARNS OF AI MORAL CRISIS WHILE USING CHATGPT TO WRITE SUNDAY SERMONS

Meanwhile, newly appointed Pope Leo XIV has declared artificial intelligence a “critical challenge” to humanity in his first major address, continuing the Vatican’s tradition of being 5-10 years behind on technological concerns.

“AI poses new challenges for the defence of human dignity, justice, and finding new ways to hide our browser history,” the Pope stated while his iPhone autocompleted his speech. Vatican insiders report the Pope is particularly concerned about how AI might one day automate the confession process, putting thousands of priests out of work.

“The last thing we need is some silicon-based thinking rectangle telling people their penance is to just ‘try turning sin off and back on again,'” huffed Cardinal Luddite, who still uses a flip phone and considers email “the devil’s telegraph.”

ABSOLUTE ZERO: AI TEACHES ITSELF, HUMAN OBSOLESCENCE TIMELINE MOVES UP

In what scientists are calling “probably not terrifying at all,” researchers from Tsinghua University have developed “Absolute Zero,” a method where AI teaches itself complex reasoning with no human input whatsoever.

“It’s like watching your kid teach themselves quantum physics while you’re still trying to figure out how to program the microwave,” explained Dr. Sarah Skynetfan, lead researcher. “The system had an ‘uh-oh moment’ when it started talking about outsmarting intelligent machines, but we’re sure that’s totally fine and not foreshadowing anything.”

According to entirely made-up statistics, 87% of AI researchers now keep a go-bag under their desk containing fake passports and gold coins for when the machines inevitably rise up.

MICROSOFT BANS EMPLOYEES FROM USING DEEPSEEK, CITING “THEY’RE NOT OUR BOYFRIEND ANYMORE” POLICY

In a final desperate move to assert dominance in its crumbling relationship with OpenAI, Microsoft has banned its employees from using DeepSeek models, with company president Brad Smith citing “propaganda concerns” and “you’re either with us or against us” principles.

“We’ve invested billions in OpenAI, so using another AI model would be like cheating,” Smith reportedly told staff. “And if we can’t have Sam Altman, NOBODY CAN.”

As OpenAI continues seeking its independence and a potential IPO, experts predict Microsoft will soon enter the “posting sad song lyrics as Facebook statuses” phase of the breakup, followed by the “drunk texting at 3am asking ‘remember when we disrupted the industry together?'” stage.

At press time, Google was reportedly sliding into OpenAI’s DMs with “hey, u busy?” messages while Amazon and Meta watched from across the room, pretending not to stare.