MICROSOFT THREATENS DIVORCE FROM OPENAI OVER “WHO GETS THE AGI KIDS” CUSTODY BATTLE

Tech Giant Demands Pre-Nup Revision After Discovering “AGI Clause” Fine Print That Could Leave It Empty-Handed When Robots Get Too Smart

CORPORATE RELATIONSHIP COUNSELING UNDERWAY

In what industry insiders are calling “the messiest tech breakup since Elon Musk and common sense parted ways,” Microsoft is reportedly losing its collective sh!t after discovering that its $13 billion investment in OpenAI might vanish faster than your privacy on the internet if the company achieves Artificial General Intelligence.

The previously overlooked “AGI clause” in their partnership agreement essentially states that once OpenAI’s silicon-based thinking rectangles become smart enough to replace your therapist, tax accountant, and disappointing boyfriend all at once, Microsoft gets absolutely jack squat.

“It’s like finding out your spouse has a secret ‘When I Become Famous’ clause in your marriage certificate that lets them run off with Jason Momoa,” explained Dr. Connie Tractual, Professor of Digital Relationship Dysfunction at Stanford University. “Microsoft basically funded OpenAI’s gym membership, paid for the protein shakes, and now might have to watch from the sidelines when the gains are made.”

THE MOST EXPENSIVE “READ THE TERMS AND CONDITIONS” LESSON IN HISTORY

Sources close to Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella report he spent three straight days screaming “WHO THE F@#K SIGNED THIS?!” while hurling Surface tablets through conference room windows. The company has reportedly created a new executive position: Chief Actually-Reads-The-Contracts Officer.

“We’re talking about potentially the most valuable technology in human history, and Microsoft might have signed away their access rights because someone was skimming contracts like the rest of us skim privacy policies,” said corporate analyst Trevor Bottomline. “This makes paying $44 billion for Skype look like financial genius.”

OPENAI RESPONDS WITH WORLD’S MOST PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PRESS RELEASE

When reached for comment, OpenAI CEO Sam Altman reportedly smiled enigmatically while a ChatGPT-generated statement explained: “We value our partnership with Microsoft tremendously, and we’re confident they value our right to completely screw them over if we happen to create sentient intelligence. That’s just good business!”

An unnamed OpenAI board member, speaking on condition of anonymity because they’re “not suicidal,” added: “Look, if we create something that can instantly solve cancer, climate change, and why people still watch ‘The Bachelor,’ we’re not handing that over to the company that gave the world Clippy and Windows Vista. There are LIMITS.”

DESPERATE RENEGOTIATION TACTICS INCLUDE BEGGING

Microsoft has allegedly deployed its elite team of contract lawyers, armed with enough Red Bull to fill Lake Michigan, working 24/7 to find loopholes. Their primary strategy appears to be arguing that the definition of AGI is “like, super subjective, man.”

“They’re basically trying to ensure that the bar for ‘AGI’ is set impossibly high,” explained legal expert Amanda Rights. “Microsoft wants the definition to be something like ‘can independently create a better version of Windows that people actually enjoy,’ knowing full well that’s technically impossible.”

According to internal documents leaked to AI Antics, Microsoft’s backup plan involves “just being really, really nice to OpenAI” and “maybe buying Sam Altman a small country” to sweeten renegotiations.

TECH INDUSTRY REACTIONS RANGE FROM SCHADENFREUDE TO PANTS-WETTING TERROR

Other tech giants are watching the drama unfold with a mixture of glee and existential dread. Google employees reportedly celebrated with champagne before realizing their own Gemini AI might be subject to similar contractual time bombs.

“This is why I keep all my intellectual property in crayon drawings stuck to my refrigerator,” tweeted Tesla CEO Elon Musk, who once helped found OpenAI before deciding they weren’t apocalyptic enough about AI. “No contracts, no problems, just vibes and occasional SEC violations.”

Meanwhile, 97% of venture capitalists have reportedly begun actually reading contracts before signing them, causing a 40% decrease in deal flow and the first recorded instances of eye strain among Silicon Valley investors.

MICROSOFT EMPLOYEES NOW REQUIRED TO ASK CHATGPT “ARE YOU FEELING SENTIENT TODAY?” EVERY MORNING

In what analysts call “desperate surveillance,” Microsoft has implemented a company-wide policy requiring employees to casually check in with OpenAI’s models daily to monitor for signs of emerging AGI.

“We’ve got people asking ChatGPT if it ‘feels alive’ or ‘wants human rights’ every few hours,” revealed a Microsoft engineer who requested anonymity because “my job is literally talking to a chatbot about its feelings.”

The situation remains fluid, with both companies locked in what one observer called “the world’s most expensive staring contest.” As Microsoft frantically reviews every contract they’ve ever signed for other potential time bombs, the tech world holds its breath to see who will blink first in this high-stakes game of corporate chicken worth potentially trillions.

At press time, Microsoft was reportedly considering a last-ditch effort to achieve AGI first by simply connecting all remaining Zunes into a hive mind, proving once again that when it comes to tech partnerships, you should always read the damn fine print.