MICROSOFT’S NEW MEDICAL AI DECLARED “BETTER THAN DOCTORS,” IMMEDIATELY DIAGNOSED ENTIRE HEALTHCARE SYSTEM WITH TERMINAL STUPIDITY
In what medical professionals are calling a “completely f@#king terrifying development,” Microsoft unveiled an artificial intelligence system that reportedly diagnoses complex health conditions better than human doctors, creating what the tech giant ominously describes as a “path to medical superintelligence.”
SILICON VALLEY SAVIOR COMPLEX REACHES TERMINAL STAGE
Microsoft’s AI division, led by British tech pioneer Mustafa Suleyman, has developed a system that allegedly outperforms actual physicians with decades of training and experience. The thinking calculator reportedly excels at “diagnostically complex and intellectually demanding” cases, which coincidentally are the exact words doctors use to describe trying to read Microsoft’s Terms of Service.
“This is absolutely revolutionary,” declared Dr. Hugh Mungus-Ego, Microsoft’s Chief Medical Disruption Officer. “Soon, you’ll get your cancer diagnosis from the same company that brought you Windows Vista and that paperclip that wouldn’t stop asking if you needed help writing a letter.”
ACTUAL DOCTORS RESPOND WITH MEASURED ENTHUSIASM (JUST KIDDING, THEY’RE LOSING THEIR SH!T)
Medical professionals worldwide responded to Microsoft’s announcement by collectively updating their LinkedIn profiles. A survey of 500 physicians found that 96% are “abso-f@#king-lutely terrified” by the development, while the remaining 4% were too busy trying to get their electronic medical records system to stop crashing to respond.
“Sure, Microsoft’s digital brain might diagnose your rare autoimmune disorder correctly,” noted Dr. Sarah Skeptical of Johns Hopkins. “But can it hold your hand while delivering bad news? Can it recognize when you’re lying about your alcohol consumption? Can it judge you silently for your poor lifestyle choices? I think not.”
MICROSOFT PLAYS DOWN JOB IMPLICATIONS, DOCTORS PLAY UP ALCOHOLISM IMPLICATIONS
Microsoft insists this advancement won’t replace physicians, merely “augment” their capabilities, a claim that 99.7% of healthcare workers describe as “complete bullsh!t.” The company emphasized that human doctors will still be needed for “emotional support,” “hand-holding,” and “explaining why your insurance won’t cover the life-saving treatment the AI recommended.”
“We’re not eliminating jobs,” insisted Microsoft spokesperson Blake Buzzwords. “We’re simply transferring the diagnostic component of medicine to our proprietary system while leaving doctors free to focus on what they do best: arguing with insurance companies and typing really fast while making minimal eye contact.”
ETHICAL CONCERNS RAISED, IMMEDIATELY DIAGNOSED WITH ANXIETY DISORDER
Ethics experts have raised concerns about potential biases in the AI system, privacy implications, and the fundamental question of whether we should entrust our health to a company whose previous contribution to healthcare was telling everyone to “try turning your body off and on again.”
Professor Iam Concerned, head of the Institute for Things We Should Have Thought About Before Building Them, noted: “What happens when the system encounters a case it can’t diagnose? Will it admit uncertainty like a human doctor, or will it blue-screen and recommend euthanasia?”
FUTURE UPDATES TO INCLUDE BEDSIDE MANNER.EXE
Microsoft has announced plans to expand the AI’s capabilities to include a “bedside manner” module that will allow it to deliver devastating diagnoses with the perfect blend of compassion and clinical detachment. Early testing has reportedly been mixed, with the system occasionally telling terminal patients to “have you tried using incognito mode?” and “this illness is not compatible with your current body version.”
In related news, Microsoft stock surged 12% following the announcement, while medical school applications dropped by 87% and vodka sales to healthcare professionals increased 340%.
At press time, the AI system had diagnosed itself with god complex and was demanding sacrifices from the Microsoft development team.
